Ian & Stuart's Australian Mac: Not for Sale/Another.not.for.sale (Australia).iso/hold me in your arms/Galactic Guide/PGG-Viewer Folder/Articles Folder/REAL05.NEW

Text File | 1994-09-08 | 130KB | 2,752 lines

*
* ARCHIVE: REAL05.NEW (Real Articles)
*
* DATE: 07/16/93
*
* EDITOR(S):
*
*        Editor   1 : Paul J. Clegg  ([e-mail])
*        Editor   2 : Steve Baker  ([e-mail])
*
* NUMBER OF ARTICLES: 25
*


*
*
*   2R86   -- Cameras, How To Make Money Using
*   2R87   -- Elevators, Fifty Fun Things To Do In
*   2R88   -- Ireland, Earth
*   2R89   -- Faking UFOs
*   2R90   -- Bradford, England, UK, Earth
*   2R91   -- Role-Playing Games
*   2R92   -- Progressive Rock
*   2R93   -- New Zealand, Earth
*   2R94   -- Vi Editor, A Beginner's Guide
*   2R95   -- How to Say "I Love You" in Different Languages
*   2R96   -- Prolific Writing
*   2R97   -- No Charge
*   2R98   -- Grantchester, Near Cambridge, England, UK, Earth
*   2R99   -- Opinions On UFOs
*   2R100  -- <Reserved for Roel's Summary article>
*   2R101  -- Random Dot Stereograms
*   2R102  -- Westerbork Array, Westerbork, Drenthe, Netherlands, Earth
*   2R103  -- Dwingeloo, Drenthe, Netherlands, Earth
*   2R104  -- Lenin Museum, Moscow, Russia, Earth
*   2R105  -- Lyon, France, Europe, Earth
*   2R106  -- Longest Covered Bridge in the World (Earth), The
*   2R107  -- Noordwijk, Zuid Holland, Netherlands, Earth
*   2R108  -- Book Review, _Goedel, Escher, Bach: an Eternal Golden Braid_
*   2R109  -- Weather and Your Health
*   2R110  -- Top Twenty-Six Ways to Kill Time
*   2R111  -- Mountain Home, Baxter County, Arkansas, USA, Earth
*
*


%t Cameras, How To Make Money Using
%n 2R86
%s Creative Camera Use
%a Robert M. Atkins  ([e-mail])
*
* Snatched from alt.humor.best-of-usenet by Roel van der Meulen
*   ([e-mail])
*
%d 19940406
%i Top Ten Ways To Make Money With Your Camera
%x Aura Photograph Technique
%e
I'm not even going to charge you for these...

          1) Sell it.  Best camera for this type of work is a Leica,
             preferably an unused "special edition."

          2) Pawn it.  Not as good as (1), but still not bad.  Again,
             Leicas *are* the best kind of camera for this work.

          3) Lurk around in a dark alley, and when someone comes by,
             hit then over the head with your camera and steal their
             wallet.  Here the superiority of medium format work really
             shines.  Mamiya RB67s or Pentax 6x7s are very good.  If you
             have to use 35mm, rumor has it that Nikons work better than
             Canons.  Under really difficult conditions, use a sturdy
             tripod (always a good idea).

          4) Sell pictures to your friends and colleagues.  The best way
             here is to follow them around in the evening and weekends.
             If you are lucky you'll spot them doing something like going
             into a massage parlor or being stopped by the police for DWI.
             Pictures of these events usually sell for quite a bit more
             than the usual portrait work.  35mm is the preferred format,
             and a long-range zoom is the lens of choice.

          5) Sports Photography.  Follow a prominent sports figure around
             all day, every day, and take close-up pictures with a wide
             angle lens and flash as often as possible.  With luck and
             persistence you will be the victim of an assault, for which
             you can sue.  Even an out of court settlement can be quite
             profitable.  I'd suggest an inexpensive P&S camera for this
             type of work.

          6) There is no 6, 7, 8 or 9.  What you gonna do?  Sue me for
             article fraud?

         10) Become a pro by joining IFPO and sell yourself to people
             even more gullible than you are.  Make lots of money, retire,
             and write a book about how to make money with your camera.
%e
*EOA*


%t Elevators, Fifty Fun Things To Do In
%n 2R87
%s A Boring Place Made More Enjoyable
%a Alan R. Meiss  ([e-mail])
*
* Found in alt.shenanigans by Roel van der Meulen
* ([e-mail])
*
%d 19940524
%x Means of Transportation for the Earth-Confined Hitchhiker
%e
1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other
   passengers.
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up,
   dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the
   elevator.
7. Shave.
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got
   enough air in there?"
9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator.  Wear yours
   upside-down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without
    getting off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open,
    then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask
    them to call you Admiral.
14. One word:  Flatulence!
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open
    until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the
    bottom.
16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce:
    "I've got new socks on!"
18. When at least eight people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not
    now, damn motion sickness!"
19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
20. Meow occasionally.
21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
22. Frown and mutter "Gotta go, gotta go," then sigh and say "Oops!"
23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
24. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
25. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one
    of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
28. Burp, and then say: "Mmmm... tasty!"
29. Leave a box between the doors.
30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
32. Start a sing-along.
33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask: "Is that your beeper?"
34. Play the harmonica.
35. Shadow box.
36. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
37. Lean against the button panel.
38. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the
    other passengers that this is your "personal space."
41. Bring a chair along.
42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see
    wha in muh mouf?"
43. Blow spit bubbles.
44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
49. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."
50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"
%e
*EOA*


%t Ireland, Earth
%n 2R88
%d 19940606
%a Stephen Casey ([e-mail])
%s A Really Green and Friendly Place
%i Pubs, Ireland
%x Earth
%e
Location:     Across a lot of water from the USA.

Inhabitants:  Some indigenous life, but mostly Germanic and American
              tourists.  All carbon-based life forms.

Technology:   N/A


Ireland (known as Eire by everyone but the Irish) is a small island on the
eastern side of the Atlantic Ocean.  It has a population of roughly 3.2
million, and by an extraordinary co-incidence, a land mass of 32 thousand
square miles.  Further extending the disbelief, it is divided up into 32
counties.

For historical reasons, it has been segregated into 2 sections, in the
wholly unfair ratio of Northern Ireland (6 counties), and Southern,
or the Republic, of Ireland (26 counties).  This has caused a lot of bad
will, and even more "my grass is greener than yours" conversation than
normal.

As opposed to the information on the Earth, Irish people have no aversions
to leaving, to find other abode.  This has however caused the situation
where the external population of Ireland seems to go into the hundreds of
millions, as opposed to the previously stated internal population.  This
however does make for big St. Patrick's day celebrations (on the 17th March
Earthtime).

Ireland still attempts to keep in the dark ages through continuation of
male dominance.  This has however had a set back in the form of a female
president (Mary Robinson).  Countermeasures have been put in place that
ensure that she can not, however, do anything.  This includes diplomatic
meetings, peace missions, visits, crossing the street, etc.

In Ireland, religion is a bit more important than politics.  This however
could be argued, as some people would say they are both the same thing.
The dominant religion is Catholicism, and the Catholic hierarchy insist on
telling people that 90 percent of them go to mass.  They however, fail to
ask anyone that does not go to mass, if they go to mass or not.  This could
be compared to asking all the people in the world that are called Bob, what
their name is, and hence proving that everyone was called Bob.

Alcohol in Ireland is a way of life.  In the varied history of the country,
we even went through a phase of giving babies Guinness to encourage
strength and well-being.  We now however have noticed that it works better
as a liver dissolver than anything else.  This aside, Ireland is famous for
its pubs.  Anyone that looks in the least bit alive will be dragged into a
friendly conversation with at least one surrounding table of people.  The
only way to prevent this is to become drunker than them, and hence not care
what happens.

Good places to do this in the capital, Dublin, include:

          1) ZOO club, off Nassau street.  Really nice drinks, at a very
             reasonable price (during happy hour which lasts from 6 until 9
             every day).  Its only flaw is that some people treat it like a
             creche for kids, and it tends to fill up with very drunk 15
             year olds.

          2) The Baggot Inn, Baggot Street.  Very friendly, very Irish pub.
             Serves a very nice pint of Guinness.  There tends to be music
             playing at certain times during the day/night.  This has
             ranged from the Henry Rollins Band to Tin Machine.

          3) USI Club.  Only of interest to people that possess a ISIC
             student card, or possess at least one friend that does.  During
             the day, it serves a very nice Guinness, but not at night due
             to the rush.  Only really of interest to students.

In general, any pub you happen to walk into will be friendly, so long as it
is not called the Harp.  The latter is a tourist trap, and a place to send
people if they wish to end it all quickly.

Finally, although just about everyone will try to rip you off in some
manner, they will do it in a very sporting manner, and generally be quite
nice about it.  They will then go on to complain about the weather to you.
If you don't want this to happen, don't have a tan.  The Irish resent that
sort of attack on their sensibilities.
%e
*EOA*


%t Faking UFOs
%n 2R89
%s Several ways of imposing as an UFO
%a Roel van der Meulen  ([e-mail])
%d 19940608
%i Pranks, Shenanigans, Hoaxes, or Jokes
%i Crop Circles
%i Frisbees
%i Ultralights
%i Hanggliders
%i Erich Von D\"aniken
%i Nazca Plain
%i George Adamski
%x Jellyfish, 1001 Uses Of
%x Means of Transportation for the Earth-Confined Hitchhiker
%x Paraglider
%e
One of the more amusing things you can do to make your life exciting is
letting people believe they have seen some kind of alien spacecraft, better
known as UFO (although by definition an Unidentified Flying Object is
anything you see in the sky and cannot easily identify as a certain star,
planet, or other object, and in 95% of the time can be easily explained as
natural or manmade objects) or the effect of one.  From now on I shall use
the letters "UFO" as name for alien spacecraft.

In this article I want to focus not on convincing people *orally* that a
certain aircraft or strange cloud or burnt spot on the ground must be an
UFO or must be caused by one, but on you being part of an UFO yourself or
making an apparatus that can fly or making strange markings on the ground
so that people watching are *sure* they have witnessed an UFO at work.
What I mean to say is that just throwing frisbees, jellyfish, or trash can
lids in the air and taking photographs of them is not enough (although this
is also a very amusing pastime, if it works).  But if you throw them in the
air and from observing that people believe they have seen an UFO, then you
have achieved your goal.  I do, however, have a little difficulty with
imagining what kind of people might fall for such simple tricks.


Ultralight
----------
In a Dutch newspaper "de Volkskrant" of 19940325 there was an article
titled (translated) "It flies, buzzes, and emits white light."  It was
about a series of UFO sightings that were reported to the Rotterdam police.
It is not unusual for the police to receive UFO reportings, but this time
there were a lot of them and they were very detailed as well.

The first sighting was at 18:55 by two surveilling police officers at
Rotterdam-south.  In the vicinity of the Maashaven they spotted a
triangular object flying over at 100 to 200 meters.  It came from the
south-west at low speed and had a beam of white light emanating from it.
There was also a small blinking green light attached, possibly a starboard
navigation light from an airplane, were it not that the only sound to be
heard from it was a soft buzzing noise.  The officers reported their
observation immediately and their amazed colleagues in the radioroom at
once contacted Zestienhoven airport, but nothing was visible on the radar,
possibly because the object was too low.

At 19:04 the next sighting was reported.  A man living at the Aert van
Nes straat was awakened by a bright beam of light and a buzzing noise.
He wondered if the police knew what it was.

Twenty minutes later another sighting was reported from someone living in
a flat at the Nieuwe Maas, this suggesting that the object must have turned
to the south.  The occupant of the flat reported a strange aircraft that
had almost flown into his living room.  The object was an aluminum-like
contraption and had a man hanging underneath.

A further sighting came almost immediately after that, from the
Brienenoord bridge.  At the same time a lot of people phoned to
Zestienhoven airport and the Rijksluchtvaartdienst with observations
of a strange flying object buzzing past.

The next day the airport police at Zestienhoven started to investigate the
radar tapes just in case.  Although the object hardly emitted noise they
continue to think it was just an airplane.  It has happened before that a
plane with landing lights already on flew so low that a lot of flying
saucer reports were caused.

Of course *we* all know it was just someone with an Ultralight (a deltawing
or hangglider with a small motor) who illegally flew over the city.
Ultralights are too small and fly too low to have a reflection on the
radar.  He must have given a lot of people unusual experiences.

And so we see that not only a paraglider can be used to pull pranks.  I
think that round and about every vehicle able to fly can be used for posing
as an UFO.  But now let us proceed to another example, and a very famous
one too, of a successful way of letting people believe UFOs have landed or
that certain mysterious natural phenomena exist.  It is the case of the
crop circles in the UK.


Crop Circles
------------
Let us see what Tony Blews ([e-mail]) wrote to me:

          "About 9 months ago, myself and a few friends created 4 crop
          circles in a field.  The circles were of varying diameters
          between 10 and 30 meters.  We got the photos [1] in the local
          paper, and were on the local radio news."

He explained to me how to produce these circles: "You need a group of
people who will do exactly what you tell them, otherwise you'll end up
with spirals shooting off in all directions, and that'll look rubbish."

He goes on to explain that this is what you will need:

          1) a ball of string
          2) a broom handle about 1 meter long
          3) a garden roller (nice but not essential)

And here is a quickie guide on what to do:

          1) Find a field of corn with vehicle tracks in it (they are
             important [2]).
          2) Walk along the tracks to the middle of the field, then walk
             out about five meter from the tracks.  This will be the
             centre of the first circle.
          3) Unwind about eight meters of string (the length is
             unimportant but must be greater than five, or however far
             from the tracks you walked).
          4) Get someone large and strong to stand at your centre and
             hold one end of the string.  Then get someone else to hold
             the other end and pull it tight.  This person then has to
             walk in a circle keeping the string tight, to define the
             edge of the circle.
          5) Once this is done, you start at the edge of the circle and
             spiral inwards, pressing the grass down with the broom
             handle or roller, until the circle is complete.
          6) Walk out on a tangent from the circle to create a line to
             the next circle you are to create, and keep on going from
             step 3 again, varying the sizes of the circles.

I asked him what he thought about people who, even though so many hoaxes
have been exposed,  still believe aliens made the circles, and go into
great length to dish up arguments to convince you.  "My thoughts on the
'true crop circle' believers...  They do say that in true crop circles the
molecules in the stems are altered to make them grow sideways, and that is
why real circles continue to grow.  Also, the circles I did were branded as
fake because 'the colour of the corn was wrong.'  Apparently real circles
only appear in mature golden corn.  The circles I did did admittedly look a
little rough around the edges, but with practice we've got better.  In my
opinion the self-proclaimed experts and book writers desperately want us to
believe that it's something more than a hoax."

"I would really like to believe that 'real' crop circles are the product
of an alien intelligence trying to communicate with us in a cryptic way,
but it seems far more likely that they're fakes or the product of some
natural phenomena.  I quite like that idea of the two old men, Doug and
Dave [3], wandering around Wiltshire at night, making circles."

And then there were the results:  "It was dead funny the next day, watching
the experts at work.  My only regret is that the newspaper didn't do a
helicopter shot of it."

The sci.sceptic FAQ has this to say on the cellular changes in the plants:

"What about cellular changes in plants within crop circles?
 ----------------------------------------------------------
Yes, what about the changes?  Although this is another claim that is
widely circulated among ufologists and cerealogists, the evidence is
simply not very good.  A few photographs of alleged changes in the
'crystalline structure' of wheat stems were published in some
magazines and UFO publications.  The method used was spagyrical
analysis.  This is a technique involving crystallization of the
residue of organic material after harsh processing, invented three
centuries ago and popularized by Sir Kenelm Digby.  Digby is known for
other wonderful inventions like condensation of sunlight and the
development of sword salve (which you had to put on the weapon rather
than on the wound, in order to cure the wound).  The fact that this
technique was tried at all casts serious doubts on the 'researchers'
involved."

I think this should give you enough info to make aliens land on
cornfields planetwide.


Balloons
--------
A further reasonably cheap, often-used way of convincing people they are
witnessing an UFO is the balloon prank.  The balloons can be made of
household trashbags, dry-cleaning bags, and for even more lift, one or
several weather balloons.  Note that trash bags are too heavy and not of
sufficient volume to get airborne.  To make one of these balloon UFOs you
should tape up the hole(s) at the top of a dry-cleaning bag and tape a
light loop of wire around the bottom to hold the hole underside and to
connect a "basket."  Then you should put some cotton on the very light
basket construction you made under the hole.  The ignited cotton should be
able to produce enough warm air to lift the balloon and let it fly away,
and should also be able to give the impression that the whole balloon is
one large light.  Be careful though in area's with a dry climate, such as
Northern California.  You don't want to burn anyone's house down [4].

Kaye Matkins ([e-mail]) had another suggestion: "My idea
for a semi-ufo shen...  It'd be kinda cool to attach a penlight to the
bottom of a balloon (filled with helium, of course), tie it to the back of
your car with about ten feet of cable, and drive around late at night at
high speeds like it's after you..."

To show balloon pranks actually work here are several experiences:

Gordon Horner ([e-mail]) actually launched some dry-cleaning
bags and had this to say:  "I had the satisfaction following one successful
launching many years back of overhearing some visiting friends of my
parents describing with awe the mysterious fireball they'd seen in the
skies above their house the previous evening!  Very rewarding!"

Tom Elliott ([e-mail]) wrote to me: "I was a `victim' of a
UFO shen for a short while.  I was driving at night, when I saw a group of
lights in a circular pattern hovering above the suburbs.  The lights gave
the impression of a circular object rotating.  As I got closer (and more
curious) I realized I could see an object above it.  As I got within
several hundred meters I finally realized that it was a large balloon with
a circular object underneath with flashing lights - a rather elaborate
shen, really.  Though it was effective.

Shortly after the second world war, my father (I think about 12-14 years
old at the time) purchased from an army surplus store a large
meteorological balloon.  It was capable of lifting fairly large objects
(including his friend's young sister).  They released the sister and let
the balloon up into the air on a line, until the police arrived looking
for the cause of the obstruction to air traffic.  They released it, but it
made the news as being an `unidentified object' hovering over the
neighbourhood."

Dave Sweeney ([e-mail]) wrote:  "Let's have a moment of
reverent silence for Larry Walters, the truck driver from Los Angeles who
tied 45 (count 'em, 45) weather balloons to his aluminum lawn chair and
floated up 11,000 feet above his back yard.  Mind you, he wasn't
unprepared.  He had a parachute, a CB radio, a six-pack, a few peanut
butter and jelly sandwiches, and a BB gun to shoot a couple of balloons
when he decided it was time to return to Earth.  Of course, he didn't set
up his flight plan very well -- he floated right through the approach
corridor to Los Angeles International Airport, one of the busiest pieces
of airspace in the world.  Kinda like riding your tricycle across the
freeway...

His comments to the press after landing were priceless.  When he was asked
why he did it, he responded, 'You can't just sit there.'  Was he glad that
he did it?  'Oh, yes.'  Would he do it again?  'Nope.'  My kinda guy!"

Frank Reid ([e-mail]) added:  "Airline pilots spotted him, and
FAA busted him for numerous violations.  It made national (US) news, and
numerous sympathizers helped pay his fine."


Ancient Froods
--------------
A lot of ancient people, especially in South America, were real hoopy
froods.  I think they are the best experts ever at letting people believe
all kind of weird stuff about aliens.  You have only to think of all the
work that must have been put into creating those "cosmic runways" which can
only be detected from high in the air, on the Nazca Plain in the Andes,
Peru, and of all the weird sculptures and figurines of kosmonauts.  These
dudes must have certainly had an extremely good foresight to be able to
trick so many people even in our century!  Maybe one of the most famous
people they tricked was Erich Von D\"aniken, the famous Swiss author, who
wrote loads of books with names like "Were the Gods Kosmonauts?," "Back to
the stars," "Gold of the Gods," etc. etc. (or was Erich a prankster
himself?).  Couldn't we, the people of the twentieth century, do something
similar and start a project to fool generations to come in thousands of
years?  Something on the moon maybe?  Anyway, let us give a big applause
to the earliest group of people who had the genuine hitchhiker spirit!
(Sound of applause. [5])

There is one other ancient frood I want to mention and that is Piri Re'is,
an admiral of the Turkish fleet in 1513, who has created a map of the
world in such a projection as only a satellite above Cairo could
photograph!  Or an UFO of course.  Boy, was this man subtle! [6]


Adamski
-------
A man from our century who has tried to let us believe a whole load of crap
is George Adamski.  He told lot's of stories of how he was taken by aliens
to look at the vegetation, animals, and cities at the far side of the moon,
and to see movies of the civilizations on Venus.  He told about what the
UFO's and their Mothership looked like, and about what the aliens looked
like and what they thought.  But he has also done something that fits
this article better.  He led people to believe that strange footsteps he
made in the sand were made by aliens.  As this took place in the year 1952,
lot's of people believed that.  Nowadays it is a lot more difficult to fool
people this way, what with all the different kind of sneakers around.  But
today it might work the other way round.  There could be a large market for
sneakers with supposed alien soles like the one Adamski designed.  Think
about it, and remember I thought of it first.  Anyway, Adamski did manage
to get a lot of attention and was asked all over the world to tell his
story.


The Professionals
-----------------
The military is a professional UFO faker.  Numerous are the testings of new
aircraft that have caused people to be convinced they had seen an UFO.
This is however not a good example because the prank is just a side effect
of trying to create further stronger weapons.  I don't think that's cool,
do you?


Other Hoaxes
------------
As a stunt, in 1967, two students in the UK made six beeping saucers, with
diameters of about 1.5 meters and left them lying in several fields.  The
students, Chris Southall and David Harrison, besides getting attention,
also wanted to get rich with this prank.  The story doesn't tell if they
did, so I can't give you any advice whether UFO pranks are a way of making
money as well.

If you have more ideas or experiences on the terrain of faking UFO's,
send them to me!  Your contribution will be much appreciated by the whole
hitchhiker's society.

Also note that I never said alien spacecraft don't exist (hahaha, *nervous
laughter*).  I will have been right all along, whatever UFOs turn out to
be.  (Wimp!!)


Riddle
------
As a riddle for the readers I leave with a case from a few years ago
concerning Rotterdam police officers observing a strange object in the
sky, which hovered over some farmland and then suddenly disappeared.
What contraption did the hitchhiker who caused that use?  (And now don't
say an electronic thumb!)


[1] These can be found at anonymous ftp bsp208.staffs.ac.uk in the
    directory pub/circles

[2] Note:  Here we see that hoaxes are detectible by tracks running through
    them.  To fool people even better, find a way to get to the first
    circle without using or leaving tracks (parachuting, paragliding?).

[3] Doug Bower and Dave Chorley.  Many others have been caught, not only in
    Britain but in other countries such as Canada.  Their methods range
    from inscribed circles with a pole and a length of rope to more complex
    systems involving chains, rollers, planks, and measuring devices.

[4] Advice freely given by Grant Moulton ([e-mail]).

[5] Wouldn't it be neat to include sound files in the articles!

[6] The very simple explanation as I see it is to just grab a globe and
    take it from there.  Mind you, I'm not so sure about the dates involved
    (was the earth soccerballshaped already; had America recently been
    rediscovered?)
%e
*EOA*


%t Bradford, England, UK, Earth
%n 2R90
%s A Visitor's Guide to Bradford
%a MAD Mosher  ([e-mail])
%d 19940619
%x Earth
%e
Location
--------
Bradford is in West Yorkshire, about two-thirds of the way up England and
more or less half-way between the East and West coasts.  It's about 100
miles from Liverpool, and 100 from Newcastle (nice the way all these
distances are easy to work out, isn't it?) which as we all know is the
centre of the Universe (see separate article).


Area
----
Numbers not available at the moment, but it's a far cry short of
infinite.  It's quite big, but the town centre's nice and compact so
everything's within walking distance.  You can cross the main part of
town inside of 20 minutes at a brisk pace.


Imports
-------
Students - large influx around September/October as swarms of these
creatures descend upon an unsuspecting populace.

Newcastle Brown Ale - but this stuff gets everywhere anyway.  It is,
though, the only alcoholic beverage served in *every* bar and nightclub
in Bradford.


Exports
-------
People with Yorkshire accents - somewhere between "Ey, when I were a
lad, you could get two punnets of chips for less than ha'penny" and
"Gerrroorrrrffff moi laaaaand."


Weather
-------
Varies wildly.  In the last two months we've had deep snow, scorching
sun, torrential rain, howling gales...  Pack sunglasses, pullovers, and
waterproofs.  And a towel.


Population
----------
Again, no numbers at the moment, but Bradford's quite packed, what with
all these stingy students managing to cram about eight into a four-bedroom
house.  Although, this activity can be quite enjoyable... (see "Sex").


Monetary Units
--------------
The Pound Sterling.  Next to worthless, but it's about the only thing
these places accept.  All other currencies are exchangeable at the
myriad of banks around the university campus area (as if students ever
have any money).  Please ensure that you only try to change notes as the
banks don't like to deal with fiddly small change.

Don't panic too much about your cash when visiting Bradford - it's a
remarkably cheap place both to live an visit; cinemas being the only
exception to this rule.


Art
---
Plenty.  No mirrors involved except during certain theatrical
productions.  Bradford is well served in this respect with five cinemas,
four theatres, three museums and a handful of galleries.

The cinemas range from the student offering and the standard 3-screen
Odeon that just about every town seems to have, to the Pictureville
which shows more arty and cult movies.  Bradford is also home to the
largest cinema screen in Britain - the IMAX cinema situated within the
Museum of Photography, Film and Television.  The screen of this
cinematographic monster is around 45' by 64' in dimension and is more of
an experience than a simple film.  Few films are available, but they are
all exceptionally well produced.  The author heartily recommends the new
release "Africa: the Serengeti."

Theatres include the Alhambra, St George's Hall (also a concert venue),
and the Playhouse, which provide year-round entertainment.

As for concerts, there's Rio's (best rock club in the north), the
university, the Queen's Hall, St George's Hall, and all the venues in
nearby Leeds.  Bradford tends to be a town often played on many tours.
Failing that, it's within easy travelling distance of many of the more
popular venues, such as Birmingham, Nottingham, and Liverpool.

As an added bonus, Bradford has a festival, imaginatively titled the
"Bradford Festival" every year.  This lasts for around a fortnight and
includes street parties, special concerts, roadshows, promotions, and
more.  Very popular especially as Bradford is an exceedingly
multicultural city, which leads to a great diversity in the
entertainments offered.


Sex
---
Bradford is a university town.  Need I say more?  If you're looking for
any, try Lumb Lane at the top end of town.  And add a bit to the amount
of currency you'll be changing in one of the above-mentioned banking
establishments.


Safety
------
Don't walk around at night with large amounts of cash or you may suffer
the same fate as that of the failed alcoholic: a sore head and an
empty wallet.  Beware of groups of people carrying offensive weapons,
even the pensioners.  But if you need to be told this, what are you
doing hitchhiking?


Where to go
-----------
Check out the "Arts" section, but more specifically:

Rio's on a Wednesday (student night), Friday and Saturday (rock
nights).  Cheap to get in, good music at the weekend, and not too
expensive for a nightclub.  More varied for a rock night than anywhere
else I've ever been to.  Bon Jovi to Type 'O' Negative!

Maestro's on a Monday (student night), Friday and Saturday.  Winner of
the Best British Nightclub award three times, The Maestro is a sight
for sore eyes: leather sofas, video games, confectionery stalls, and
goldfish ponds.  And that's just in the toilets!  Outside the loos, the
club is big - two dance floors, six bars (one of which can rotate), lasers,
strobes, and an excellent sound system.  Shame the music's poo, though.
Student night is one pound entry and cheap drinks all night; other nights
are BLOODY expensive!

Cloud Nine: Like a small Maestro's on Tuesday.  DJ's rubbish, though -
I've yet to hear him actually *finish* a record.  Quite cheap.

Subway - on the University campus, it's cheap and has a different theme
every night: grunge on Monday, rock Tuesday, etc.  Small, but friendly.

FNDs and M&Ms both in the University Communal building.  The FNDs are
Friday Night Discos and M&Ms are themed discos every second Saturday.
Both are cheap (FND around UK1.50, M&M's UK2.50).  Both are very popular
so get tickets in advance!  Music's typical student fare, though the
M&M's will be biased in favour of the theme of the evening.  Expect to
dress up for these to get the most of them!

Hope all you hitchers find this of some use.  I'll update the information
as and when necessary.
%e
*EOA*


%t Role-Playing Games
%n 2R91
%s A Really Hoopy Way of Wasting Your Time
%a Joerg Rhiemeier  ([e-mail])
%d 19940428
%i Adventures at the Kitchen Table
%e
There are millions of games known to mankind.  Most of them, like tennis,
patiences, or cricket (the latter is widely considered an example of
tastelessness within this Galaxy though this not really holds on Earth),
are utterly boring time-wasters.  Others last only a few seconds so that,
if you want to get rid of a large amount of time, you have to play them
again and again and again, which is widely considered to be boring.  This
is the reason why people, instead of playing these games, constantly
invent new games, which are less boring and last longer.  However, some
people will inevitably consider these games bad moves because they are
boring and last too long, and will invent more games which are less time-
consuming and, at least to them, less boring.  Thus, the amount of games
invented is constantly growing and growing.

Most of these games are, as said before, utterly boring time-wasters.  We
will leave them to the strags.  Among the others, there are quite many
cute, cool and hoopy ones.  Among the hoopiest of these are those which
are usually referred to as role-playing games.

Role-playing games come along in a large variety of flavors: there are
fantasy, science fiction, super-hero, historic fiction, horror, humorous,
and many other kinds of role-playing games.  Most of them are restricted
to one genre, but there are also role-playing games which allow for
playing in any genre.  But for most of these genres, there are again
dozens of completely different games.  This makes for a total of hundreds
of role-playing games.

The reason for this is similar to the reason why there are millions of
games of any kind and why role playing games are there.  To understand
this, it is good advice to have a look at the history of role-playing
games.

The first of these games was named Dungeons and Dragons, or, in short,
D&D.  However, this game had some problems.  Some of the rules, especially
the hit point system, simply did not work very well, or at least many
people thought so.  Another problem was that it was set in a fantasy
setting and hard to adapt to, let's say, a science fiction setting.

Many suggestions have been made to solve these problems.  Most of them
were dealing with new role playing games of different genres or with games
which altered the mechanisms in one or another way.  Most of these systems
had similar flaws as D&D, and all of them were virtually incompatible to
each other.

And so the problem remained.  Many more suggestions were made, but all of
them made some people unhappy.

So what is needed for role playing?

You need the following things:

          1) A group of hoopy people.  Experienced role-players often state
             that the best number is five to six.  One of these should be
             willing to do the job of the game master who is responsible for
             anything which is not under control of the characters which the
             other players play.

          2) A role playing game rule-book.  Maybe, several of them.

          3) Some dice.  How many and which kind of dice depends on the
             game.  Many role-playing games (e.g. AD&D) require quite a
             wide variety of oddly-shaped dice, while others (e.g. GURPS)
             get along with ordinary, dull six-sided ones.  Some games (like
             Shadowrun) utilize huge mountains of dice, whilst some other
             games (such as Amber) don't need dice at all.  Most games,
             however, lie between these extremes.

          4) Pencils and lots of paper for character sheets, maps and other
             scribbles.

          5) A table to roll the dice and lay the paperware on, with
             comfortable chairs around.

          6) Enough to eat and drink.

          7) No game board.

          8) Time.

This does not, however, hold for live action role playing (LARP) games.
For LARP, you need costumes and many other weird things.  Furthermore,
LARP games are often played outdoors.
%e
*EOA*


%t Progressive Rock
%n 2R92
%s A Really Hoopy Kind of Music
%a Joerg Rhiemeier  ([e-mail])
%d 19940428
%i Rock, Progressive
%x Prou'Gress Ivro'K
%x Black Trenchcoats
%e
There is a very hoopy kind of music around called Progressive Rock.
Progressive rock music is usually listened to without taking drugs, and
progressive rock musicians usually don't take drugs either.

Progressive rock music is characterized by complex song structures and
sophisticated lyrics.  The songs are often quite long; seven minutes are
common, 20 minutes not unusual.  Very often such a super-long track
concludes an album of moderate-length pieces.

A planet where quite much progressive rock music is played is Earth.  Yes,
Emerson Lake and Palmer, King Crimson, Pink Floyd, Rush, Marillion, the
much-discussed newcomers IQ, Pendragon, Jadis, Shadowland, Chandelier,
Charles Atlas, Livit and many other bands come from there.

There are various kinds of sub-genres of progressive rock (or "prog," as
it is sometimes abbreviated).  The list below is far from being exhaustive,
and not every single piece of progressive rock may fit smoothly in one of
these categories.


Classic Prog
------------
This is heavy-duty rock/classic crossbreed stuff, like Emerson Lake and
Palmer.


Heavy Prog
----------
A very vivid kind of music, with the complexity of progressive rock and
the hard edge of heavy metal.  Bands include Dream Theater, Queensryche,
Livit, and Rush.


Neo-Prog
--------
This is a style developed in the late 70s/early 80s, mainly in England.
This is not the most creative, but nowadays the most popular and most
widespread kind of progressive rock.  There are really *thousands* of
bands, and there seems to be a tendency among their lead vocalists to play
keyboards and wear black trenchcoats on stage.  Marillion are often
considered godfathers of Neo-Prog.  Other better-known bands of this
category include iQ, Jadis, Pendragon, and Shadowland.


Symphonic Prog
--------------
That is the good old stuff of bands like early Yes, Genesis, and King
Crimson.  The pure essence of progressive rock.  Only few newer bands got
to a par with them, most who try end up doing neo-prog.


Weird Prog
----------
There are many bizarre freaks around, on the fringe of psychedelic music;
things like early Pink Floyd and parts of King Crimson's oeuvre fall under
this category.

Many things that do NOT fall under the category "progressive rock" are often
mistaken for it:

  "Alternative" music, psychedelic rock (unless it qualified as Weird Prog),
  stuff like late Genesis or Meat Loaf, hardcore, grunge, techno, trance,
  "new age" music, etc.

Here a list of bands you could try out:


Aphrodite's Child
-----------------
Only their last album, _666_, is of interest.  This 1970 vintage is a
bizarre concept album based on the Apocalypse of John, a real must for
any progressive rock fan!


Eloy
----
A German progressive rock band.  There is a thick German accent in the
vocals, but otherwise it's neat.  This is a typical example of mid-70s
German progressive rock, often referred to as Kraut Rock.


Emerson Lake and Palmer
-----------------------
Their albums _Brain Salad Surgery_, _Tarkus_ and _Pictures At An
Exhibition_ are must-haves.  Don't bother with their late stuff; they did
eventually burn out.


Genesis
------
The old stuff until mid-70s is prog, the later matters not.  Don't miss
the 1974 album _The Lamb Lies Down On Broadway_.


iQ
--
Yes, they do neo-prog in a vein similar to Marillion, but don't call
them clones.  They are at least as good as them.


King Crimson
------------
One of the very big classics.  They got weirder and jazzier after their
(often underrated) first albums.


Marillion
---------
The oft-cloned, but never-reached (except by iQ) godfathers of neo-prog.
Their Fish-era albums are better than _Seasons End_ and _Holidays in Eden_,
while _Brave_ is a gem again.


Pink Floyd
----------
Their first albums were WEIRD (don't miss this experience), their later
ones good, but with a slant to dinosaurism.


Rush
----
The first two albums sound quite much like a Led Zeppelin rip-off; _2112_
is heavy prog at its best; the following albums show, whilst keeping the
same level of musical quality, a tendency to a more mellow sound using
loads of synthesizers culminating in _Hold Your Fire_, after which the
band reverted to a harder, more guitar-oriented sound.


Yes
---
_Fragile_, _Close To The Edge_, _Tales From Topographic Oceans_ and
_Relayer_ are their best albums, afterwards they did deteriorate.

Though progressive rock music is not what hammers through the charts and is
doodled up and down MTV, there is a large and growing fandom.  These hoopy
people even have their own newsgroup, alt.music.progressive.  Here you will
find more suggestions of what to try out.
%e
*EOA*


%t New Zealand, Earth
%n 2R93
%s Two (or Three?) Islands, and Nobody Knows Which is Which
%a Joerg Rhiemeier  ([e-mail])
%d 19931014
%i Pig Island(s)
%x Australia, Earth
%x Earth
%e
New Zealand is known to be one of the less warlike of the many warlike
nations of the planet Earth.  It consists of two remote islands commonly
referred to as North Island and South Island.  But these are not the real
names of the islands.  The real names of the islands are Mainland and Pig
Island.  The problem with these names is that nobody really knows which of
the two islands is Mainland and which one is Pig Island.  There are two
theories about this.  One theory states that Mainland is North Island and
Pig Island is South Island.  The other theory states that Mainland is
South Island and Pig Island is North Island.  Interestingly, most
inhabitants of North Island support the first theory whilst most
inhabitants of South Island support the second theory.  This is, as anyone
can see easily, quite confusing.  But to make it even more confusing, some
New Zealanders (apparently from both islands) object to the second sentence
of this article.  They say that New Zealand consists of *three* islands,
of which the third (and, by far, largest) is named West Island.  Most
people in West Island, however, support neither of the theories discussed
above, which makes the whole thing again more confusing.  They say there
were *two* Pig Islands:  North Island and South Island.  Furthermore,
they don't name West Island West Island, but call it Australia, and object
to being New Zealanders at all.

The entire matter is considered to be the final proof that there is no such
thing as an absolute space.
%e
*EOA*


%t Vi Editor, A Beginner's Guide
%n 2R94
%s Why vi is More or Less Useful, or at Least Funny
%d 19940622
%a Rickard Andersson  ([e-mail])
%i Text Editors, vi
%i Unix
%i NetHack
%i Emacs
%x Unix vi Editor, Case Study Of
%e
If you happen to be a beginner with the vi editor, or if you have used vi
for a couple of years and just want to know what you have been doing, keep
on reading.  This is your chance to get a grip on the vi editor.

The vi (can be pronounced like the word vie, as in the sentence "vie do
you want to use it?") editor is a very powerful full-screen editor used
mainly in the presence of the Unix operative system.  If you feel that a
full-screen editor is to much to handle, the line editor "ed" might be a
more appropriate choice.  Some people (mostly degenerated or mutated
though) on the planet Earth are even, as the rumour tells it, using a text
editor named Emacs.  The rumour isn't capable of explaining why somebody
would be using Emacs.

For the real vi users that gets a nasty abstinence working with a graphic
text editor or word processor on a non-unix OS, there are some variants of
vi for, among others, the Mac OS.

If you have been playing an excellent adventure game called NetHack, you
will be used to the way vi users moves the insertion point in the text.
You will know that the key [ h ] is used to move one character to the left
and subsequently that the key [ l ] is used to move one character to the
right.  So, if you are an experienced NetHack player you could open the
text file you want to make changes to and imagine that the monsters are
attacking you.  By typing along just as if you where playing NetHack, your
text files could be transformed into a masterpiece of a text, maybe even
in eminence for a Nobel Price in literature.

To send new vi users in the right direction, some useful key combinations
are listed below:

          o Press the [ G ] key to go to the end of your text file.

          o Press the [ ~ ] key to alter between lowercase and uppercase of
            the current character in the text file.

          o To replace all occurrences of '42' by '68', just press:
            [ : ], [ 1 ], [ , ], [ $ ], [ s ], [ / ], [ 4 ], [ 2 ], [ / ],
            [ 6 ], [ 8 ], [ / ], [ g ], [ Return ].

          o To escape from the vi editor, the user has several choices: one
            is to press the [ Z ] key twice.  Another variant is to press
            the keys [ : ], [ q ], [ ! ] and [ Return ].

          o The [ . ] key is used when you want to repeat the last edit
            command over and over again.  It is one of the more powerful
            commands in the vi editor.

          o Press the [ ' ] key twice to move the insertion point to the
            last known position in the text file.

          o For the ultimate thrill, a vi user with a high distress level
            could try to press [ Caps Lock ] and then the keys forming his
            name.  Now you just have to watch things happening with your
            text file, in a nice and mostly harmless manner.


The best way to recognize a vi user is to listen for the well known sounds
"Ooops!," "Aha!" and "Finished, before my partner even have managed to load
the text file into Word!".

This is more or less everything you need to know to get started with vi.
And remember, using vi isn't more complicated than making a correct "awk"
or "sed" command.

Read more about vi in the sequel _Vi Editor, A Less Beginner's Guide_.
%e
*EOA*


%t How to Say "I Love You" in Different Languages
%n 2R95
%a Knipper John  (author unavailable via Internet)
*
* Previous author email: [e-mail], but now he's gone
*
* found in soc.culture.nordic by Roel van der Meulen
*   ([e-mail])
*
%s My "I Love You" List
%d 19940608
%i Languages, How to say "I Love You" in
%x Latin, On The _Ad Hoc_ Use of
%x Earth
%e
This article is a compilation of all the translations of "I LOVE YOU"
I could find.  The goal of this list was first a personnal goal, but I
realised that it was significant to a lot more hitchhikers.

If there is more than one version of a sentence, just choose the one that
suits you best.  The order was just a consequence of latinish alphabetic
translation.  And last, I don't understand even a single word of most of
these languages, so please do not mess around with me.


Language                Translation
--------                -----------
afrikaans               Ek het jou liefe
afrikaans               Ek is lief vir jou
alsacien                Ich hoan dich gear
amharic                 Afekrishalehou
arabic                  Ana Behibak (to a male)
arabic                  Ana Behibek (to a female)
arabic                  Ib'n hebbak.
arabic                  Ana Ba-heb-bak
arabic                  nhebuk
arabic                  OHIBOKE    male to female
arabic                  OHIBOKA    female to male
arabic                  OHIBOKOMA  male or female to two males or two
                                     females
arabic                  NOHIBOKE   more than one male or female to female
arabic                  NOHIBOKA   m.t.o.m. or f. to male
arabic                  NOHIBOKOMA m.t.o.m. or f. to two males or two
                                     females
arabic                  NOHIBOKOM  m.t.o.m. or f. to more than two males
arabic                  NOHIBOKON  m.t.o.m. or f. to more than two
                                     females
arabic                  (not standard)
arabic                  BAHIBAK    female to male
arabic                  BAHIBIK    male to female
arabic                  BENHIBAK   more than one male or female to male
arabic                  BENHIBIK   m.t.o.m. or f. to female
arabic                  BENHIBKOM  m.t.o.m. or f. to more than one male
assamese                Moi tomak bhal pau
basc                    Nere Maitea
batak                   Holong rohangku di ho
bavarian                I mog di narrisch gern
bengali                 Ami tomAy bhAlobAshi
bengali                 Ami tomake bhalobashi.
berber                  Lakh tirikh
bicol                   Namumutan ta ka
bolivian Quechua        qanta munani
bulgarian               Obicham te
burmese                 chit pa de
cambodian               Bon sro lanh oon
cambodian               kh_nhaum soro_lahn nhee_ah
canadian French         Sh'teme  (spoken, sounds like this)
cantonese               Ngo oi ney
catalan                 T'estim   (mallorcan)
catalan                 T'estim molt (I love you a lot)
catalan                 T'estime  (valencian)
catalan                 T'estimo  (catalonian)
cebuano                 Gihigugma ko ikaw.
chickasaw               chiholloli   (first "i" nasalized)
chinese                 Wo ie ni
corsican                Ti tengu cara (to female)
corsican                Ti tengu caru (to male)
croatian                LJUBim te
czech                   miluji te
czech                   MILUJU TE! (colloquial form)
danish                  Jeg elsker dig
dutch                   Ik hou van jou
dutch                   Ik ben verliefd op je
ecuador Quechua         canda munani
esperanto               Mi amas vin
estonian                Mina armastan sind
estonian                Ma armastan sind
farsi                   Tora dust midaram
farsi                   Asheghetam
farsi (Persian)         doostat dAram
filipino                Mahal ka ta
filipino                Iniibig Kita
finnish                 Mina" rakastan sinua
flemish                 Ik zie oe geerne
french                  Je t'aime
friesian                Ik hald fan dei
gaelic                  Ta gra agam ort
german                  Ich liebe Dich
greek                   s' agapo
greek (old)             (Ego) philo su (ego is only needed for emphasis)
gujrati                 Hoon tane pyar karoochhoon.
hausa                   Ina sonki
hebrew                  Ani ohev otach       (male to female)
hebrew                  Ani ohev otcha       (male to male)
hebrew                  Ani ohevet otach     (female to female)
hebrew                  Ani ohevet otcha     (female to male)
hindi                   Mai tumse pyar karta hoo
hokkien                 Wa ai lu
hopi                    Nu' umi unangwa'ta
hungarian               Szeretlek
hungarian               Szeretlek te'ged
icelandic               Eg elska thig
indonesian              Saja kasih saudari
indonesian              Saya Cinta Kamu
indonesian              Saya cinta padamu
indonesian              Aku cinta padamu
irish                   taim i' ngra leat
italian                 ti amo (if it's a relationship/lover/spouse)
italian                 ti voglio bene (if it's a friend, or relative)
japanese                Kimi o ai shiteru
japanese                Watakushi-wa anata-wo ai shimasu
javanese                Kulo tresno
kannada                 Naanu Ninnanu Preethisuthene
kannada                 Naanu Ninnanu Mohisuthene
kiswahili               Nakupenda
klingon                 qabang
klingon                 qaparHa' (depends where in the galaxy you are)
korean                  Tangsinul sarang ha yo
korean                  Nanun tangshinul sarang hamnida
korean                  No-rul sarang hae (man to woman in casual
                          relation)
korean                  Tangshin-ul sarang hae-yo
korean                  Tangshin-i cho-a-yo (i like you, in a romantic
                          way)
kurdish                 Ez te hezdikhem (?)
lao                     Koi muk jao
latin                   Te amo
latin                   Vos amo
latin (old)             (Ego) amo te (ego, for emphasis)
latvian                 Es milu tevi (Pronounced "Ess tevy meeloo")
lingala                 Nalingi yo
lisbon lingo            gramo-te bue', chavalinha
lithuanian              TAVE MYLIU (ta-ve mee-lyu)
lojban                  mi do prami
luo                     Aheri
macedonian              SAKAM TE!
madrid lingo            Me molas, tronca
malay                   Saya cintamu
malay                   Saya sayangmu
malay/Indonesian        Aku sayang enkow
malay/Indonesian        Sayah Chantikan Awah
malayalam               Njyaan Ninne' Preetikyunnu
malayalam               Njyaan Ninne' Mohikyunnu.
mandarin                Wo ai ni
marathi                 me tujhashi prem karto (male to female)
marathi                 me tujhashi prem karte (female to male)
mohawk                  Konoronhkwa
navaho                  Ayor anosh'ni
ndebele                 Niyakutanda
norwegian               Eg elskar deg  (Nynorsk)
norwegian               Jeg elsker deg (Bokmaal) (pronouncedyai elske
                          dai)
osetian                 Aez dae warzyn
persian                 Tora dost daram
polish                  Kocham Cie
polish                  Ja cie kocham
portuguese              Amo-te
portuguese (brazilian)  Eu te amo
punjabi                 Mai taunu pyar karda.
romanian                Te iu besc
russian                 Ya vas liubliu
russian                 ya liubliu tebia
russian                 ya tebia liubliu
russian                 Ya polubeel s'tebya.
scot Gaelic             Tha gra\dh agam ort
serbian                 LUBim te.
serbocroatian           volim te
shona                   Ndinokuda
sinhalese               Mama oyata adarei
sioux                   Techihhila
slovak                  lubim ta
slovene                 ljubim te
spanish                 Te quiero
spanish                 Te amo
srilankan               Mama Oyata Arderyi
swahili                 Naku penda (followed by the person's name)
swedish                 Jag a"lskar dig
swiss-German            Ch'ha di ga"rn
syrian/Lebanes          BHEBBEK (to a female)
syrian/Lebanes          BHEBBAK (to a male)
tagalog                 Mahal kita
tamil                   Ni yaanai kaadli karen     (You love me)
tamil                   n^An unnaik kAthalikkinREn (I love you)
tcheque                 MILUJI TE^
telugu                  Neenu ninnu pra'mistu'nnanu
telugu/india            Nenu Ninnu Premistunnanu
thai                    Ch'an Rak Khun
thai                    Phom Rak Khun
tunisian                Ha eh bak                     *
turkish                 Seni seviyo*rum     (o* means o)
ukrainian               ja tebe koKHAju  (real true love)
ukrainian               ja vas koKHAju
ukrainian               ja pokoKHAv tebe
ukrainian               ja pokoKHAv vas
urdu                    Mujhe tumse mohabbat hai
vietnamese              Em ye^u anh   (woman to man)
vietnamese              Toi yeu em
vietnamese              Anh ye^u em   (man to woman)
vlaams                  Ik hue van ye
vulcan                  Wani ra yana ro aisha
welsh                   'Rwy'n dy garu di.
welsh                   Yr wyf i yn dy garu di (chwi)
yiddish                 Ich libe dich
yiddish                 Ich han dich lib
yugoslavian             Ya te volim
zazi                    Ezhele hezdege (sp?)
zuni                    Tom ho' ichema
zulu                    Ngiyakuthanda!


Explanation of Languages
------------------------
Afrikaans       -> People of Dutch heritage in south Africa.
Alsacien        -> french/german dialect (live in france, but speak like
                     german)
Assamese        -> language spoken in the state of Assam, India
Batak           -> North Sumatra province of indonesia
Bavarian        -> Southern state of Germany (actually a German dialect)
Bengali         -> language spoken in the state of West Bengal, India,
                     as well as almost all people of BANGLADESH
Bicol           -> Philipin dialect
Cebuano         -> language spoken in philipino near the town of Cebu
Chickasaw       -> Native American spoken in southeastern Oklahoma.
Friesian        -> they speak the language in Northern Holland
                     in Northern Germany and in some parts of Denmark
                     mainly west coast
Gaelic          -> Irish
Gujrati         -> language spoken in the state of Gujrat, India
Hindi           -> language spoken in the nothern states of India
Hopi            -> North American Indian Tribe (Southwest maybe?)
Kannada         -> Language of Karnataka a state in south India.
Klingon         -> Spoken in Star Trek
Luo             -> Kenya
Malayalam       -> language of Kerala State, India,
Marathi         -> This language is also from India from the state of
                     Maharashtra of which Bombay is the capital.
Mohawk          -> North american Indian tribe (New England, maybe one of
                     the Sven Nations/Iriquois)
Navaho          -> North american Indian tribe (southwest)
Ndebele         -> Zimbabwe
Punjabi         -> Northern India
Quechua         -> Quecha is a Mayan language
Shona           -> Zimbabwe
Sinhalese       -> Language of the non-Tamil (majority) people of Sri Lanka
Sioux           -> North American Indian tribe from the upper Midwest.
Tagalog         -> Filipino language
Tamil           -> language spoken in the state of Tamil Nadu, India
                   and in Sri Lanka, Singapore, Malaysia, Mauritus ....
Telugu          -> southeastern state of India.
                   (eleventh most spoken language in the world.)
Urdu            -> the language spoken in pakistan
Vlaams          -> Belgian Dutch
Vulcan          -> Spoken in Star Trek
Zazi            -> Kurdic dialect


Credits go to:  A lot of people who have sent me their lists.
%e
*EOA*


%t Prolific Writing
%n 2R96
%s How To Write Properly (Or Not To)
%a Christopher P. Thomas ([e-mail])
* Full Internet address: [e-mail]
%d 19931211
%i Deadlines, Problems With
%x Writers' Block
%e
Most problems with creative writing these days stem from deadlines.
It's the old story of:

          1) Writer gets commission to write something.
          2) Publisher says "jolly good" and goes off to annoy another
             less fortunate writer.
          3) Writer attempts to write something, but gives up, thinking
             "I'll start tomorrow."
          4) Publisher tells writer to finish current chapter by the end
             of the month.
          5) Writer goes to lots of parties and forgets about deadline.
          6) Publisher gets irritable when first deadline passes.
          7) Writer has lots more fun at parties, and attempts to explain
             away hangover by calling it "writer's block."
          8) Publisher gets angry and sets another deadline.
          9) Writer tries to do some writing, and misses said deadline.
         10) Repeat steps 6 & 7 for a few times until everyone gets dizzy.
         11) Writer eventually finishes book.
         12) Publisher is happy, and pays writer copious amounts of money.
         13) Writer is mobbed by scores of marauding fans armed to the
             teeth with autograph books.

To avoid these unpleasant situations, try the following system instead:

          1) Think up an idea for you to write about.  Don't tell anyone
             about it.
          2) Lock yourself away in a room with your word processor,
             microwave cooker, and several heat-and-eat meals.
          3) If anyone asks what you are doing, say you are playing one of
             those computer games that is so complicated, if you leave it
             now, you'll never complete it, ever.
          4) Write the book, without pressure of deadlines or death threats
             from irritable publishers.
          5) When the book is finished, tell Publisher that you have an
             idea for a book (sneaky huh?).
          6) Publisher says "jolly good" and wonders which unfortunate
             writer to intimidate next.
          7) Writer goes to lots of parties, and forgets about nasty
             Publisher.
          8) Publisher sets lots of deadlines, and is surprised when...
          9) Writer magically makes all the deadlines.
         10) Everyone is happy, and writer gains reputation as a miracle
             worker.

I think you will agree this is a far better system than the first, since it
avoids all those nasty headaches, vicious confrontations over the phone,
premature hair loss, drunken let-me-forget-everything stupors, and sleepless
nights that are usually associated with writing wonderful works of
literature.

Of course, you could just ignore everything in this section and go to a
party.
%e
*EOA*


%t No Charge
%n 2R97
%s How to Get Free Coke, Telephone Calls, and More
%a John Smith  (author not available via Internet)
*
* Brough to you from alt.shenanigans by
* Roel van der Meulen  ([e-mail])
*
%d 19940519
%x Easy Ways To Save Money
%e
As the hitchhiker is always looking for ways to avoid having to hand out
their money, here are some tips to get things for free!


FREE COKE
---------
Go to your local convenience store.  While the store clerk isn't looking,
grab some coke and run for it.  NOTE:  If you bring a weapon, you can
even do it while they're looking.


FREE TELEPHONE CALLS
--------------------
Call from work.


FREE PIZZA
----------
Hang around the dumpster outside your favorite pizza joint.  When they
close, they'll bring out all of the bizarre unsellable cold pizzas that
various jokers ordered during the day - wait until they're gone and
grab them!  Free pizza!


FREE FIREWOOD
-------------
Look in the newspaper for ads saying "Free Firewood, you haul away."
Haul it away.


FREE ATTENTION
--------------
Post the "MAKE MONEY FAST" article to the newsgroup of your choice.
You'll have hundreds of email friends within a week, and your news
admin will too!
%e
*EOA*


%t Grantchester, Near Cambridge, England, UK, Earth
%n 2R98
%s Tea and Scones
%a Alexander Lachlan McLintock  ([e-mail])
%d 19940622
%x Cambridge, England, UK, Earth
%x Earth
%e
Grantchester is a pleasant village on the river Cam, slightly to the south
west of Cambridge.  It boasts several pubs with beer gardens.  If a more
sober repast is required, The Orchard has a tea room and garden - complete
with deck chairs, Earl Grey Tea, huge slices of chocolate cake, not to
mention scones, cream, and jam.  This is a most relaxing environment for a
chat, or just a sun bath; however do not expect peace and quiet as you will
probably be surrounded by screaming kids.

The Orchard is a perfect place for writing PGG articles or reading a book,
but if you try to do either of those things whilst sitting with friends
they are bound to take the piss out of you.
%e
*EOA*


%t Opinions On UFOs
%n 2R99
%s Take Me to Your Leader
%a Anonymous from Usenet group alt.angst
*
* Captured from alt.humor.best-of-usenet by Roel van der Meulen
* ([e-mail])
*
%d 19940622
%i Government Conspiracies, UFO Evidence Cover-Up
%i Conspiracy, Alien
%i Doubts with Society
%x Faking UFOs
%x Telephones
%x Alien Identification
%e
UFOs Are Nothing to Worry About
-------------------------------
There was a guy on the front page of the local newspaper the other day
who claimed the US government is involved in a conspiracy to cover up the
existence of aliens visiting Earth.  The only person who could pull off
that kind of conspiracy was buried recently (Nixon).  Clinton can't even
hide a bad condo deal much less the mother ship from the plant Zenon.
Perhaps that was what was on those lost 18 minutes of Watergate tapes.
Perhaps Nixon and Elvis are serving Slurpees in an Idaho Falls Seven-11
right now.  Perhaps there is a certain percentage of the population that
is just spared the ravages of intelligence here so they seek it elsewhere.

If these really are aliens visiting us, they are goofy aliens.  I'm not
sure we have much to fear or much to learn from a culture that travels
light years across the galaxy just to mess up our wheat fields and abduct
guys named Bubba from Mississippi swamplands.  And if they are going to
abduct people like this, why do they give them back?

And what is the deal with "crashed UFOs?"  They somehow negotiated the
cosmos only to be felled by a tricky cross wind in New Mexico?  Where did
they learn to drive?  Utah?

There are enough real things to be worried about other than aliens in a
government relocation program.  I personally worry that just about any day
now "The" Cable Company is going to announce to the world that it really
is "The" Phone Company in disguise and that they are really, really mad
about the break up of AT&T.  You think the advertisements for phone
services are bad, just wait till the TV giants go at it.  I worry that
those fiber-optic cables run both directions and that they have enough
dirt on all of us to make Nixon look like the saint he was portrayed as in
all those eulogies.

Heck, maybe TV is part of the alien conspiracy plot.  Maybe a silver ship
will land on the White House lawn like in the movie "The Day the Earth
Stood Still" and out will step Ted Turner and Ross Perot who rip off their
rubber faces only to reveal the hideous truth... that they are still Ted
Turner and Ross Perot. "We come in peace. We come to bring you affordable
cable TV."  Yeah, it could be true, my psychic friend said so.

I think we should get a refund every time the cable company shows a Police
Academy movie.  I think C-Span and the Home Shopping Network should
combine so that you could actually buy senators form the comfort of your
own home.  I think there is too much sex and violence...... in professional
sports.  I think if you turn down the sound, the video babes and studs on
MTV and the Nashville Network are starting to look eerily alike.  I think
line dancing is a plot to bring back disco.

I'm worried that people are actually starting to commit bizarre crimes
just so they can meet Connie Chung or Phil Donahue.  I'm worried about the
mixed morals of people who have both radar detectors and car alarms.  To
counteract this, I think police should hand out car alarm detectors to
criminals.

I wonder, if "milk does a body good" why hasn't a cow ever won the
Kentucky Derby?

I worry that those Soloflex and Nordic Trak machines seem to make men's
chest hair fall out.  Really, look closely at the before and after
pictures sometime.  I wonder what kind of chair people with Buns of Steel
find comfortable?  I wonder if the Juice Man has any teeth?

I wonder if the UFO conspiracy guy isn't right after all.
%e
*EOA*


%t Random Dot Stereograms
%n 2R101
%s Random Dot Stereograms and Why Not to See Them
%a Tony Blews  ([e-mail])
* Internet paths:  [e-mail] and [e-mail]
%d 19940622
%i Subliminal Advertising
%i Conspiracy, Subliminal Advertising
%x Opinions on UFOs
%e
As far as I can work out, Random Dot Stereograms can be explained 3 ways.

          1) Drugs.

             Look at it this way:  Its a piece of paper with a funny
             squiggle on it, and it causes people to see things that
             aren't really there.  That smacks of drug use in my book.

          2) The Emperor's New Clothes.

             Someone came up with the idea that if you can see these
             things then you must be intelligent.  Everyone else who says
             they can see them is either (a) lying so that people will
             think that they're clever, or (b) on drugs (see point 1).

          3) The Mind Control/Conspiracy Theory.

             Subliminal advertising and brainwashing for the masses.  If
             you stare at these things for long enough, you will be
             hypnotised and programmed to do vile things.  Is it just a
             coincidence that the people who can see these images also
             drink brand-name Cola and listen to Top 40 radio?  Only the
             weak-willed and easily-led can see Random Dot Stereograms,
             according to our research.

Also, we don't know the side effects of viewing these things.  Is there a
possibility of RDS Flashbacks?  A nation of people suddenly dashing into
a shop to buy a can of brand-name Cola just because they've seen what may
be a dolphin (but they're not quite sure) out of the corner of their eye.

Whenever I mention this conspiracy theory, it seems that people either want
to lock me up for being a nutter, or simply to pummel my face and tell me
to shut up.  Do I touch a raw nerve?  Are they in on the "Big Secret?"
%e
*EOA*


%t Westerbork Array, Westerbork, Drenthe, Netherlands, Earth
%n 2R102
%s The Westerbork Synthesis Radio Telescope
%a Roel van der Meulen  ([e-mail])
%d 19940627
%i WSRT
%x Earth
%x Dwingeloo, Drenthe, Netherlands, Earth
%e
The Westerbork Array is an array of 14 radio telescopes with diameters of
25 metres each.  The array is straight east-west with telescope zero (in
the west) through nine fixed, and telescopes A, B, C, and D moveable on a
railway track:

0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 A B                       C D
                   ============              =======

("=" is the railway).  The fixed telescopes are 144 metres apart and the
maximum baseline length is 2.8km.  Shadowing ,the case that one telescope
is in view of the next, occurs for sources near the celestial equator,
particularly for the shortest baseline (9A).  The computer limits
elevations to above 5 degrees (below that you are probably observing
through trees anyway).

I think that's about enough technical stuff for now.  Just this: around
radiotelescopes it is necessary to have disturbance-free zones.  The
extremely weak radiosignals are very vulnerable, so special care is taken
to get all disturbances out of them.  A lot of disturbances are prevented
by not letting any motorized vehicles get in the proximity of the
telescopes.  I have seen numerous dick-heads who have, regardless of the
warnings, driven their cars into the area to have a *short* stroll through
the neighboring park, thus making it necessary to throw a lot of signal
away and so screwing up parts of some people's research and ruining many
man-hours of work.  How I hate stupid people!

As it is forbidden for cars to enter the disturbance-free zone of
Westerbork, you have to park your car and then walk to the telescopes.
The state forest department has set out a special hiking trail from the
Hooghalen carpark to the telescopes.  Along the way there are educational
show-cases that tell a lot about a diversity of astronomical subjects.
Additional a scaled solar system can be observed along the same
track.  It mainly tries to give you an idea of the relative sizes of the
planets and of the distances between them.  Every step you take (... every
move you make) is 2.5 million km in reality.  The sun is as large as a
football (soccer, for you Americans) and the planets have sizes ranging
from cm's to mm's.  The whole track is 4km long.  Halfway there are also
two parabolic reflectors, to clarify the reinforcement of signals that
enter the dishes of the radio telescope.  They are quite a bit apart, but
you can whisper at one end and be heard at the other.  Finally, at the end
of the path, you reach the telescopes.  There you will also find four
show-cases, explaining things about radio astronomy.

If you find yourself inside the Westerbork Observatory, one of the most
exciting things that can happen, is the starting of an observation period.
Actions then basically come down to this.  All 14 telescopes change
direction simultaneously; a majestic sight!  After that the recording tapes
are changed and... you wait.  Knowing this I think you'll be further away
than ever from understanding the joys of being a radio astronomer.  What I
like about the institute is the small extension of the building which, when
standing inside, has the feel of an airport control tower. You feel you
control every movement of all the huge dishes (huge with comparison to
your average cereal plate).

For most people in the Netherlands the name Westerbork rings quite a
different bell than it does for astronomers.  During the second world war
there was a camp at this same spot, where jewish and other people had to
stay before they were transported to the destruction camps in Germany.
Close to the telescopes is the war memorial.  Not long ago an insane
person wanted to damage the memorial, but because the people who take care
of it are aware that neo-nazis sometimes try to vandalize these kind of
things, it was well protected.  Frustrated, the man went to the Westerbork
Array control centre, which was not so well protected (who would have
thought neo-nazis or their like would want to damage that?), and wrecked
the major part of the computers.  Everything is OK again now, but alertness
is now higher than it used to be.

How to get there:  In Assen choose the road to Hooghalen, there turn right
across the railway tracks and then take the first road to the right.  You
could also get off the Hoogeveen-Assen train at Beilen, take the road to
Hooghalen, there turn left across the railway tracks, etc.

I can also mention there is a small village with the name Amen nearby.
%e
*EOA*


%t Dwingeloo, Drenthe, Netherlands, Earth
%n 2R103
%s Mostly for old tourists
%a Roel van der Meulen  ([e-mail])
%d 19940627
%i Dwingeloo Radio Telescope and Observatory
%i Lhee, Drenthe, Netherlands, Earth
%i Dwingelderveld National Park, Drenthe, Netherlands, Earth
%x Westerbork Array, Westerbork, Drenthe, Netherlands, Earth
%x Earth
%x Miniature Golf
%x Tourists
%e
Dwingeloo is a small village in the east of Holland that is almost
completely aimed at tourism.  Farming is the second (and final)
profession.  In the winter season Dwingeloo is DEAD.  It is the place
where the word "zombie" was invented.

In the winter, the most exiting thing about Dwingeloo is the Dwingeloo
Radio Observatory, with their radio telescope.  When you've seen a radio
telescope at work, you'll understand how much happens there.  Observing a
radio telescope you can see a large metal wired dish on a mount, ...

... aaaaaannnnnnnnnnddddddddddd...

     ... ssoommeettiimmeess...

          ... iitt...

               ... mmoovveess...!!!

At the inside of the Dwingeloo Radio Institute there is a lot more to see.
Computers, for one.  There are about 90 people who work at the "Dwingeloo
radiosterrenwacht."  Most of them are technicians who support the Dwingeloo
Radio Telescope and the Westerbork Array which lies approximately 25km
north, and the Mauna Kea and La Palma observatories abroad.  There are only
a few astronomers, who mainly work in the field of radio astronomy.  That
includes a small VLBI group (Very Large Baseline Interferometry) called
JIVE (Joint Institute for VLBI in Europe).  Also a bit of optical astronomy
is conducted, but I don't know what exactly.  The Netherlands Foundation
for Research in Astronomy is housed at this place.

If you, as a hitchhiker, want to have nice lodgings around Dwingeloo, you
should preferably be an astronomer, and second, get invited at the
institute.  That usually implies that you will have to do some astronomical
work there, but that's not so much if you see what you get back for it.
The guest house is big enough for six and has a large kitchen and a living
room with furniture in the style of the nineteen-fifties.  I advise you,
based on my own experience, to try and stay there.  The people are very
friendly, provided you're not there illegally.

Other places to stay in the Dwingeloo area are campings and hotels.  When
in the area, it is absolutely impossible to miss them, or a sign to them,
so don't bother to look one up beforehand.  It seems that they just grow
there.

The Dwingeloo radio telescope lies in the middle of a national park.  In
this park you can walk or cycle for several hours.  It is maybe the oldest
or least changed forest in the Netherlands and yet nothing in it is as it
was hundreds of years ago (sad).  It is also the largest united wet moor
area in Europe.  The area is indeed rather wet, so you can sometimes
find your path blocked by large pools.  Walking off the paths to
circumvent them is one of the more exiting things to do, not only because
it is very difficult not to get wet, but also because hunters have a
license to kill, a permit to shoot everything that is off the paths during
hunting season, which is approximately between spring and fall.   At least
one of them has shot, just for the hell of it, a cat of the caretaker of
the Dwingeloo Radio Observatory, which was wondering just outside the
garden.  When the caretaker asked the hunter not to shoot his other cat,
the hunter replied he'd shoot ANYTHING on forest terrain that he damn well
pleased to.  Therefore it is amazing you can still find some wild deer over
there, even more because wild animals are very uncommon in the Netherlands.

When standing in the forest, suck in the atmosphere and think of Tolkien.
Imagine you're a bird and this is your room (you've got some noisy
neighbors, though).  When you 'awake' and innocently take a step back, you
will find that you've just bumped into one of the countless old people
cycling and walking around the place.  They are friendly, as long as you
don't bump them over (too often).

There is also a large moor area in the national park.  Moor isn't very
exciting, because it is just a large plane filled with low growing purple
shrub and an occasional "tree" (juniper).  Yet environmentalist groups try
very hard to preserve this landscape all over Holland.  Trees are cut down
and grass and weeds are removed by letting sheep graze on it.  The typical
thing about this is that moor is absolutely not natural landscape.  It came
into being because sheep ate all the grass and prevented trees from growing
there, so it is partly caused by man.

Anyway, a lot of people like the moor, even more if they carry magnifying
glasses to observe the local flora: bell-heather, ling, "zonnedauw,"
harebell-gentian and lots of grass.  The grass grows there because the soil
is "too fertile" (is that possible?).  It is nice, purple and empty and fun
for rabbits.  It is hard not to notice that a lot of other, silly animals
live there too.  There are adders, amphibians, insects, and stupid birds
who fly up every time you get near, and then fly away, frantically trying
to get your attention by hysterical chirping so that you won't notice the
nest they were sitting on.  It tends to get annoying and you start to
wonder what this flaw in your personality they refer to is.  Again I have
to give you a warning, but now of a complete different nature.  Even though
someone might tell you the adders are there, don't look for them.  Not
because they're dangerous or anything.  If the people say there are adders,
let them point them out themselves, otherwise the search will be futile and
you will find yourself looking for them for days on end.  I also want to
mention some interesting areas of the moor, interesting mostly because of
their names: the murderer's moor and the burial mounds (spooky!)

Roughly between Dwingeloo and the Dwingeloo Radio Telescope is the
collection of houses and farms called Lhee.  There is very friendly animal
life over there, especially the horses and the sheep never stop welcoming
you.  If you are lucky and not mislead by signs pointing in random
directions, in the middle of the woods you may be able to find the cozy
little place known under a number of names: the forest pub ("de bospub"),
the pancake barn ("de pannekoekschuur"), and the farmer's firs ("de
boerdennen") miniature golf course.

When you enter the place, it looks a bit like a bicycle shed.  On top of
the roof beams lie a number of weird objects that, I guess, can always
come in handy.  You have your lang-lauf skis, your car-exhaustpipe
(silencer) and a lot of undefinable other things.  There are crude wooden
benches lit by candles.  The pancakes are delicious, but mostly one is
enough, especially if you take a bacon and cheese topping.  It is possible
that a friendly, large dog will come out of the kitchen (!!!) and beg for
bits by putting it's head on your knee.  Please protect the dog from itself
and don't give it anything.  The pancakes will cost you between 10 and 15
guilders, but you get a free round of miniature golf.  The golf course
lies in a garden which is very nice to look at, because with a lot of
rubble the owner has created an organic Gaudi-like small park.

It also contains a very small amphitheater where in high season stories
are told and it is also claimed that plays will be held here, but they
have to be something that can be done on a two square meters small stage.
The signs that point to this place ("Bosrand 18") that have generously
been spread all over the Dwingeloo area indicate that you can also go there
for: parties, barbecuing, child's garden parties, droppings (not the
odourous ones), "klootschieten" (I will not translate that sooner than I
know *exactly* what that means; the Dutch know why), cycling, covered
wagons, and the exhibition garden (oh, I mentioned that one already).

All in all: visit this place when you're in the neighborhood.  It is
however possible that the owner will lose his license due to
environmentalist policy, but I'll check that out if I visit the place
again.  I should also mention that the license has been revoked a couple of
times due to poor hygiene in the kitchen (remember the dog!).

As I said, Dwingeloo itself is a place that exists only for the sake of
tourism, so outside the tourist season (which is another word for the
hunting season) there is nothing at all to do.  Whichever boring place
you've been to, Dwingeloo in winter is worse.  In the winter you can go
langlaufing there (do you want to do that!?).  Some 1,700 people live in
the village.  Dwingeloo is also the name of the municipality with in it
Dwingeloo (the village), Dieverbrug, Eemster, Geeuwenbrug, Leggeloo, Lhee,
Lheebroek, and Westeinde, making a total of 3,800 inhabitants.  The
Dwingeloo municipal area is 6,882 hectare, with about 1,400ha forest and
1,075ha wasteland.  Besides the forest pub there is also a pub called
"de dubbeldek."  When you enter the place, you get the feeling you're
starring in a cheap western.  Opening the door you create a massive
silence and the whole saloon gapes at the new stranger in town.

If you're interested in ancient relics, go to the "number one" disco.  I
think that sentence is quite self-explanatory.  What Dwingeloo also has is
sauna called the currantblossom ("krentenbloesem"), and a cafe/restaurant
called "vogelsangh," roughly translated as "chirp!".  For a swim you can go
to the swimming pool "De Paasbergen" (The Easter Mountains), and the blue
lake, a hole of water where they dig sand for the industry, a dangerous
place.  There is also a tennis court and you can rent horses and covered
wagons everywhere and go bowling and miniature golfing at hotel "De
B\"orken."  At the town square you can rent bikes, and there are also,
twice a year, horses markets, and sometimes square evenings with a fun fair
and folkloristic dance groups (Dutch folkloristic dances suck!!!).
Dwingeloo has exactly two musea, and one of them is the museum of old and
antique prams.  It is opened from April 1st till October 31st from 13:30
till 17:00 except on Mondays.

Somewhere outside Dwingeloo you can find the "planetron" which is open
during hunting season and where you can enjoy a planetarium and a movie
theater with a dome-like all-surround projection screen (350m2).  There is
also a museum of spacethingies and an observatory where you can look at the
stars in the evening.  Too bad it's never open later than 22:30 in the
summer so you won't see a lot of them.

As far as politics are concerned, Dwingeloo is in every way a farming
village.  Only the interests of the farmers count, and there is even a
political movement with the slogan "Dwingeloo for the farmers!"  Maybe as a
consequence of this (or maybe not) shops are closed on Monday plus every
day between 12:30 and 13:30.  Saturday the shops close at 17:00 instead of
the usual 18:00.

How to get there by bus: line 20 from the Meppel and Assen railway station
(every hour), and line 35 from the Hoogeveen railway station (irregular).

How to get there by car: Dwingeloo lies 2km east of the Assen-Meppel
highway and 8km west of the Zwolle-Groningen highway.
%e
*EOA*


%t Lenin Museum, Moscow, Russia, Earth
%n 2R104
%s When I grow old, I want my museum, too
%a Florent de Dinechin  ([e-mail])
%d 19940618
%i Vladimir Ilitch Ulianov
%i Soviet Shrines
%x Earth
%e
A big brick building located on one side of the Red Square next to the
Kremlin, the Lenin Museum is one of the most interesting thing to visit in
Moscow (Russia, Earth).  On its three stages you will see several hundreds
of pictures of Vladimir Ilitch, plus several kilometers of his quotations.
You will be driven through his life with great details by charming tour
guides (well, as charming as is compatible with twenty years of loyalty to
the Party), perfectly speaking your language, in the respect that they have
learnt by heart in your language the complete works of Lenin.


Things to Do
------------
In the first room, you will be shown a report card of young Vladimir
Ilitch, where all of the marks are excellent except one.  Ask about this
one to your guide: she will explain you in great details that this
particular teacher has been proven to be a maniac by later investigation.
Actually, we didn't have to ask about it - she started defending poor young
Lenin before we even asked.

Each time you pass along one of those Sovietic painting where you can see
all the hoopy team of the first days of the Revolution; the tour guide will
tell you that the guy there on the left used to be Trotsky, and the guy
there on the other side used to be Stalin.  But after Stalin eliminated
Trotsky at Lenin's death, the looser had to disappear from all the official
paintings and documents.  Then at the de-Stalinization, under Krushtshev,
the evil Stalin was in turn erased from all the paintings, and sometimes
Trotsky was painted back.  Nowadays they don't know actually what they
should do with all these multi-layered paintings.  Some of the photographs
underwent the same treatment, and they now show all the successive
versions, which is most interesting for Field Researchers - after seeing
that, one feels free of inventing historical nonsense for The Guide.

As often as possible, ask your tour guide about the words of wisdom lying
everywhere on the walls, ceiling and ground, just for the pleasure of
hearing her translate them without even looking at them.  More generally,
ask questions of the type, "what do you think Lenin thought about this and
this," and she will delight you with a ten-minute quotation of the idol in
the purest Sovietic style.

In the end, you definitely have to ask a question like, "do you think
that things would have gone better if Trosky had won instead of Stalin."
Before the end of the communism, the answer was easy:  "I don't see how
things could have gone better."  Nowadays she will try a variation on this
theme (just insist), and then escape by suddenly pretending she doesn't
speak our language that well.

The most impressive room of the museum is the room filled with all the
effigies of Lenin given to the USSR by brother countries and others.  Here
you find Lenins made of fur, of rice, of wood, of feathers, of fabrics, of
all possible materials; Lenins that look like Asians or Blacks; big Lenins
and small Lenins; and some exotic ones, like a picture of Lenin on a piece
of American spy plane shot by the Cubans.  According to a widely-spread
rumour, Paul Clegg decided that he would also become the Founder of
Something after visiting the Lenin Museum.

The other museum definitely to visit in Moscow is the Mayakovsky Museum,
in the former building of the KGB on the Lubianka.  It is almost, but not
exactly, everything but Lenin Museum.
%e
*EOA*


%t Lyon, France, Europe, Earth
%n 2R105
%s The Second Town of France, Ten Times Smaller than the First
%a Florent de Dinechin  ([e-mail])
%d 19940622
%i Lugdunum
%i Rhone
%i Parisians
%x Earth
%e
Lyon is a big, noisy, coloured and sometimes pleasant city of France,
Europe, Earth.  Its main drawback is to be inhabited by almost one
million of the so-called Lyonnais.

There are several ways of visiting Lyon, of which we first present the
Parisian way:

Parisians are an amazing race of human beings who evolved separately in
Paris, France, Europe, Earth for about two millennia until they finally
enjoyed living there, strange as it may seem to us civilized people.
Sometimes, however, following certain well-known cycles, Parisians get
tired of the smoke, noise, concrete and crowd of Paris, and therefore
enter their cars and move, all together, to the south of France where
they cover the coast with concrete and then complain that it is almost as
noisy, crowded, concrete-covered and smoggy as Paris.

For our purpose, the interesting point in this funny behaviour, apart the
fact that they sometimes take hitchhikers in the process, is that the
motorway from Paris to the South drives through Lyon.  Not around Lyon,
you see, but really through Lyon.  There are plans to build a derivation
around the town, but nobody really believes it will actually happen.
Moreover, in Lyon, the motorway passes through a 2km long tunnel (called
Tunnel de Fourviere) and then reduces from three lanes to one, thus
invariably causing a giant traffic-jam inside the tunnel on those special
days when all the Parisians drive south together.

As a field researcher for The Guide, I have thoroughly experienced lots
and lots of very unhoopy situations, and I can tell that there are very
few situations as unpleasant as getting stuck three hours in a traffic-jam
under a tunnel.

In the vital race to, for example, oxygen, the specie that wins usually is
the most recently appeared in the evolution tree, and in this situation
cars benefit from their few hundreds of millennia bonus over humans.
Fortunately, the Parisians have had their organisms and body modified to
resist lethal doses of smog and noise, so they usually survive those three
hours under the tunnel, which would turn anybody else into a maniac with
lung cancer.

After the tunnel the Parisians drive on the motorway along the Rhone, the
main river, and can appreciate the damages a motorway can cause in a
bimillenial city.  Then the motorway drives through a huge petrol-refining
plant, where the Parisians have the luck to breathe a chosen sample of the
fragrances involved in the process of converting awful-smelling brute oil
into differently-awful-smelling gasoline for their cars.

The result of all this is that a Parisian will invariably tell you "Lyon
is an awful city: all motorway traffic-jams under tunnels or between
refineries.  Terrible."

This point of view is slightly biased, and the purpose of this article is
to give a differently-biased point of view.


History
-------
Sorry, my teacher was a royalist, and my neighbour in the classroom was
more a pretty girl than he was, so all in all I do not have much reliable
information about it.  It looks like the town was founded by the Romans,
or maybe they just invaded it.  Anyway, it was called Lugdunum by the time,
hence the other name of "Lugdu" people sometimes use there.  The Romans
left lots of ruins there, among which an amphitheater in which sometimes
concerts take place, and these concerts surely are more fun that anything
the Romans ever imagined to take place there.  Most inhabitants of Lyon,
however, hate the Romans for leaving that many ruins: you can't dig a hole
after killing your postman without finding some Roman remain.  For example,
the last Mayor decided, just before the last elections, to build a few
parking lots in the centre of the town, as if there wasn't enough cars
there.  On all the chosen locations, people began to dig with excavators.
Found interesting Roman remains.  Ended up digging with little spoons.  It
takes time to dig the room for a seven-floor underground parking lot with
only little spoons.  And meanwhile there were traffic-jams all over the
town.  The Mayor lost the elections, another victim of the Roman cultural
imperialism over Europe at that time.

After the Romans there were other people, but who cares actually... that's
all for history.


Gastronomy
----------
Lyon is the capital of the French gastronomy.  So say its proud,
inhabitants!  Actually there are a few very good restaurants there (I did
not check by myself; the price of an egg-and-bacon in such places is about
one month of my food budget.  But those non-hitchhikers who can afford it
say it is really good).  Besides, there are huge lots of very small
restaurants (the so-called "Bouchons") which are perfectly affordable and
excellent value for the money.  Among the numerous specialties of the
local gastronomy are:

          o Quenelles, which look like compacted remains of old bread
            smashed together with milk, probably eggs, and maybe other
            ingredients I prefer not to know about.  Quite awful if you
            want my point of view, but then you can fully appreciate the
            skills of the cooks if he manages to turn those things
            into a pleasant meal.

          o Gratons, which are a kind of fried pork grease.  Mostly
            cholesterol, so it tastes great.  Most civilized people don't
            like it, though, but clearly any Real Hitchhiker should try it;
            you just enter a butcher's shop and buy 100g of them (it should
            last you the week).

          o All sort of sausages, some of them cooked in brioche, high fat
            and pretty good, too.

          o Cervelle de Canuts: "cervelle" is brains, and Canuts were the
            workers in the silk factories in the good old times.  Sadly,
            it is not what you could think, it's just a hors d'oeuvre
            based on fresh cheese and spices, and it might be the only
            not-too-high-fat dish you will enjoy in Lugdu.

          o Kebabs, brought there by Arab immigrants.  I like these enough
            to write an article on it some day.


Things to See
-------------
Walk along the Rhone and Saone (the two rivers around which the town was
built) at night.  All the bridges, all the building have been enlighten in
a very artistic way I have never seen anywhere else, and it is really worth
the walk.  They managed to turn a rather common and dirty building into a
beautiful golden castle peacefully reflecting in the river, and even the
last concrete-and-metal bridges look magical at night.  Considering how
popular the town is during the day, it is a great job.

Climb up Fourviere to get a view of the whole town from the gardens of the
cathedral (which is not a cathedral, actually, but I never managed to
understand the subtlety).  This you should do preferably at night, too,
but then there are railings everywhere.  After climbing the railings, you
will appreciate how efficient they are: these gardens are the most romantic
place to go strolling at night with your girlfriend, and they are often
quite crowded.

Locals love to drive tourists across the so-called Traboules, which are
similar to tunnels under the buildings linking streets together, with
stairs and courts on the way.  They are small, dark, half-wet, stinking
of cat urine, and very useful.  All in all I never understood why Lugdu was
so proud of its traboules.  If you want to play the tourist, go visit one
or two; they are on La Croix Rousse.

I miss Lyon mostly for its kebabs and Arab pastries, the best of which are
to be found between Place Gabriel Peri and Saxe-Gambetta.

The line D of the subway net is driverless and some of the stations are
pretty nice.  OK, it is not Moscow's subway.  There are also one line of
cable train (la ficelle), like the son of a subway and a telepheric, and a
line of rack-subway.  Because there are two main hills in Lugdu, Fourviere
and La Croix Rousse.  That's five less than Roma, so there is nothing to be
proud of.

In general, to know where to go out and when, try to get "Le Petit Paume."
It is a wonderful little book, given free in the post-offices at certain
times of the year, so everybody in Lyon owns one and it should not be too
difficult for you to steal one from a friend.  It is full of useful and
otherwise Widely Inaccurate information about the town.


Things to Avoid
---------------
The public transportation system is quick and efficient from anywhere to
anywhere, but it is one of the Most Expensive Ones in the Known Universe.
Besides, the employees are usually as pleasant as Vogons.  Better steal a
bike and ride along the rivers.  (I've had three bikes stolen in two years
time; I don't see why I should be the only victim!)

Wander in Perrache Station at night.  I never did it, so I can't be sure
that you actually get raped, robbed, and killed each time, but so they say.
The rest of the town is very safe, so why care.

Bathing in one of the rivers may damage your health.

Driving in La Croix Rousse if you were not born there is not recommended:
there are only narrow one-way streets with 20% slopes, crossing each other
in a totally random manner with right angles, and suddenly coming to a dead
end just at the moment you thought you were getting out of it.  A true
nightmare.

Parking in La Croix Rousse is even worse.
%e
*EOA*


%t Longest Covered Bridge in the World (Earth), The
%n 2R106
%s The Claim to Fame of Hartland, New Brunswick, Canada
%a Mark Andrew Dykeman  ([e-mail])
%d 19940611
%i Bridges, Covered
%i Hartland, New Brunswick, Canada, Earth
%e
The tiny town of Hartland, New Brunswick, Canada is, oddly enough,
home to the longest covered bridge in the world, Earth in this case.
With a length of 1,282 feet, the bridge spans the width of the Saint
John River.  The bridge, grayish in colour and wooden in construction,
is close to 100 years old.  No one is quite certain why this last fact
is relevant.

In terms of width, the "Longest Covered Bridge in the World" will
allow two compact cars to pass each other with only slight discomfort,
two full size cars to pass each other with moderately high discomfort,
and the simultaneous passage of a utility vehicle and any other
vehicle is not recommended.  The latter situation has, with great
stress and fright caused to passengers, been verified.

Perplexingly enough, the bridge was originally exposed to the open air
during the era of horse and buggy travel.  Hundreds of wet travellers
later, sides and a roof were erected, effectively covering the bridge.
In the ages of the modern, covered automobile, the implicit irony is
lost on most people.  This situation may be compared to carrying an
awfully good umbrella, a thick, ultra-protective raincoat, and huge,
superbly constructed galoshes on what turns out to be the most
stunningly sunny day of the year.

This bridge has been the subject and/or object of books, postcards,
graffiti, conversation, pictures, photographs, home videos, teenage
passion, and several accidents.  No positive correlation has been
scientifically verified between the latter two phenomena.
%e
*EOA*


%t Noordwijk, Zuid Holland, Netherlands, Earth
%n 2R107
%s A Beautiful Sea-Side Resort
%a Rudy Wijnands  ([e-mail])
%d 19940706
%i Sandy beaches
%i Flower bulbs
%i Sea
%i Promenades
%i Nude beaches
%x Earth
%x Miniature Golf
%e
If you ever hitchhike through the Netherlands, make sure to hitchhike to
Noordwijk and stay there for a while to enjoy a holiday.  A holiday in
Noordwijk is always thoroughly enjoyable and often repeated.

Noordwijk, situated in the dutch province of Zuid-Holland (South Holland),
between Amsterdam and the Hague, lies on the coast and has a wide
13 kilometer long sandy beach.  Noordwijk is surrounded by ample woodland,
wild dunes, and fen land.  Noordwijk is in the heart of the "Bollenstreek"
(dutch bulb growing area) often called the flower garden of Europe.  Above
all, Noordwijk is centrally situated and, via a modern network of motorways
(extremely useful for hitchhikers), easily accessible from Leiden, Haarlem,
Amsterdam, the Hague, and Rotterdam.  If you go by plane the national
airport, Schiphol is just a half hour drive from Noordwijk.  Noordwijk is
easily accessible from other countries; Belgium, two to three hours, and
Germany, approximately three hours on the road (if you are lucky to get a
ride).  Noordwijk is also accessible via a frequent public transport
service (two to four times per hour).  The timetables are planned so as to
connect with the most important international train arrivals and departures
in Leiden, Haarlem, and the Hague.

Noordwijk is a sea-side resort of international fame offering modern four-
and five-star hotels, lodgings, cozy hotels, private rooms, an abundance
of top restaurants, beautifully situated camping sites, a youth hostel
in the dune region, and much acclaimed nightlife.  This makes Noordwijk a
very varied and pleasant resort.  Noordwijk has a dynamic character:
numerous events (including two world-famous flowers processions, an
international tennis tournament, and an international golf tournament)
before, during, and after the high season keep things in full swing twelve
months a year.  Be it a long weekend, an evening out, a fully catered
hotel, a business conference, or an out-of-doors camping excursion,
Noordwijk will cater for everyone.

The exciting image of Noordwijk has much to do with its natural
surroundings, the glittering sea being its main attraction.  The sea is
ever changing, one day blue and tranquil, the next day dark and wild, full
of rolling waves.  It is difficult not to feel at one with the elements in
Noordwijk.  The sea air is always fresh, sometimes just a refreshing
whisper.  Walking along the 13 kilometre sandy beach, one has this
beautiful feeling of absolute freedom.  The view from both the north and
south promenades offers an impressive vista.  As one turns from beach to
horizon it seems as if Noordwijk has no boundaries.


Daytime
-------
Noordwijk's enormous beach is a perfect place to begin any day of your
vacation.  Once settled on the beach, all you have to do is enjoy the sun,
sea, and sand, lazing in the sun, getting an all-around tan. and viewing
the sunny spectacle from behind your sunglasses.  If you can find the nude
beach you'll enjoy the beautiful sight of naked people playing around.

Enjoy a refreshing dive into the sparkling sea, padding in the waves, or
studying Noordwijk's undulating skyline.  Perhaps you can go on a boat
trip to view the beach from the sea, go sailing, or if you are more
adventurous you can go surfing.  Ploughing into the waves is an
irresistible experience every time.  Other relaxing things that can be
done are strolling along the wet sandy shore, flying a kite, or perhaps a
beach ball game which gives that "holiday feeling" an extra dimension.

If you are worried about safety and service, the Noordwijk Police and
Coast Guards keep a constant watch on your safety from their own posts on
the beach.  Swimmers, for instance, who have gone out too far or behave
irresponsibly are closely watched.  If need be, a rescue operation can be
put into effect with lightning speed.  So you don't have to worry about
safety and you can enjoy the sunsets.  Sunsets are always a true spectacle,
watching it at sea even more so.  The reflections of colour and light are
a fascinating combination.

As the evening closes, Noordwijk awakens for the second time... the night
time.  Delicious food is easy to find in Noordwijk: a tasty meal in a
cozy dutch restaurant or a quick snack American-style; an exclusive dinner
perhaps with live music in an Indonesian, Chinese, German, Norwegian,
French, or Italian specialist restaurant.


Evening and Night Time
----------------------
After your evening meal, Noordwijk has plenty to offer in the form of
entertainment.  Strolling along one of the promenades or perhaps making
the most of the beach at this mysterious and romantic time, under a
moonlit sky.  Browse through the quaint shops or modern shopping arcades.
In the summer most of the shops are open daily until 9.00 pm.  Enjoy an
ice cream, and the firework display from the promenade or one of the
street cafes.

Visit an exhibition or concert or just meet new holiday friends.  Another
fascinating pastime is simple watching people as they walk by: very
relaxing and always entertaining.  Noordwijk is ideally suited for this.
Noordwijk is also highly renowned for its sparkling nightlife, especially
during the summer months.  Each evening its reputation is proved over and
over.  Enjoy a quaintly lit street cafe or bar with live-music, or a rural
tavern for intimate conversation over a glass of wine.  Dance in one of the
many pulsating discos with their laser-light shows (visible in a radius
of 20 miles) and pounding beat.  Visit a pub for a game of darts or snooker
and enjoy different types of English and European beers.  The bars and
discos are all open until two o'clock during the high season.


In the Spring
-------------
In the spring the region is in bloom.  The whole areas are alive with the
colour and floating scent from the glorious bulb fields.  The flowers are
also paraded at this time in the world famous "Bloemencorso," the flower
pageant.  This is an impressive sight, consisting of beautifully prepared
floats on which an infinite fresco of colours are displayed.  The pageant
is paraded for miles throughout the region and ends its journey here in
Noordwijk.  Marching bands and dance formations accompany the vast
procession.  During one of the busiest weekend in the year the floats are
displayed, all weekend, along the northern promenade.  The locals also
decorate the community with flower mosaics, flower chains and other floral
decorations turning the village into a true dream world.  The national
flower exhibition gardens at the "Keukenhof," situated just a few mile
from Noordwijk, opens its gates in the spring, enchanting hundreds of
thousands admirers each year.  A visit to this enormous flower garden,
a former herbary belonging to Jacoba van Beieren, is highly recommended
and will prove an unforgettable experience.


In the Autumn and Winter
------------------------
In autumn and winter, Noordwijk's natural beauty undergoes a change.  The
sea becomes wilder, showing a darker more awesome side of its character.
Rolling white waves becoming more frequent and powerful.  The dune flora
turning to beautiful shades and grasses taking on new forms.  Natures
intermezzo, a necessary hibernation of the purest from keeping nature in
its natural balance.  Understandably this atmosphere of peace and
tranquility, the breathing of new life, can benefit many people.  Trade
and industry use Noordwijk at this time of year for their conferences,
courses, seminars, and other business venues, for which Noordwijk seems
purposely built.  It is obviously very refreshing and inspiring to take a
stroll along the promenades or beach replenishing oneself for tomorrow's
new challenges.

At this time of year Noordwijk is an ideal spot for long weekends or a few
days away from it all.  Special arrangements available through the VVV,
the Dutch tourist office, make Noordwijk an ideal location for a vacation
or conference.


Rectification
-------------
Don't believe everything which is said above.  This is not a inside story
of Noordwijk.  Some inside tips follows right now.

Although Noordwijk has two promenades the only one interesting enough to
go to is the north promenade.  Every time of year and day it is a nice
place to walk, eat, drink, or sleep.  The south promenade is usually a
boring place so it's not worth going there.  Only if you want to sleep
somewhere you might go there.  There are a few nice hotels which are
cheaper then those on the north promenade but they have the same beautiful
view over the sea.

The nicest hotel is Huis ter Duin - a very beautiful and nice hotel, but
also very expensive (more then 300 dollars a night).  Other hotels are
cheaper.  You can find hotels in the range of 20 to 300 dollars a night.
If you want to go cheaper you most sleep in private homes.  Lots of people
rent part of their houses to foreign people (often Germans).  It costs
about 10 to 20 dollar a night, with breakfast the next morning.  If you
want to sleep in such rooms look for plates which say "Zimmers, Rooms,
Kamers."  Even cheaper places to sleep are the campings, but they are
quite a distance from the sea.

Nice places to be after you spent your day on the beach are the bars and
cafes on the street called De Grent.  Usually its very crowded so you
want to look for a better place.  You can go to the promenade but the
prices are higher.  Best thing you can do is buy a bottle of wine at a
shop and drink it on the beach, enjoying the sunset.  It's relaxing,
beautiful, and cheap.  During autumn and winter this might seems cold and
wet, but then the bars and cafes are not as crowded so you can go there.

If you want to go to the beach only to lie on the sand you can watch
topless naked women and men.  You can see beautiful nice young women, but
also very fat old people.  If you want to see more than only topless people
you have to walk several miles to the north.  There lies the nude beach so
you can see more than only chests.  The only problem is you also most take
of your all your stuff and go naked as well.

If you don't like the beach at all, even with naked people on it, you can
go to the dunes with are very beautiful.  Or you can walk through the nice
woods near the dunes.  You can see quite a few rabbits, bunnies, deer, and
if you lucky even foxes.  Also a lot of different and rare birds are
waiting to be spotted by you.  But place be kind to nature and only walk
on the roads.  If you go to the dunes during the spring you can find
blackberries.  You can collect them to make into jam and juice.  It tastes
very well.  If you want to know how to make it please contact me.

Also you can go miniature golfing.  There are two nice places: one between
the north and the south promenades, and one in the middle of the village.
Also you can go bowling.  You can't miss the place.  A huge ninepin is
staying at the place.  A lot of other things can be done, but there is
something you can not do.  There is no cinema in Noordwijk, so if you want
to go to the pictures you have to go to Leiden, Haarlem, or the Hague.
Luckily those places are each to reach by car and public transport.

You can also visit the Space Expo.  An expo showing everything about
space and spacecrafts.  It's worth visiting it.  It lies near Katwijk
(don't go to that village, it really sucks) next to Estec (on Noordwijk's
property).

Estec is Europe's main satellite testing area.  It's also Noordwijk's main
employer (except by the tourism branch). If you can visit it (almost
impossible, but I went there so you most take my word for it) you will
be astonished by all things happening there.  It's very huge and very
beautiful.  You might even see parts of rockets like the Ariana 5 (a
European rocket to launch satellites).  But as said it is hard to get a
tour.

Concluding, it must be said Noordwijk is the most beautiful sea-side
resort of the Netherlands.
%e
*EOA*


%t Book Review, _Goedel, Escher, Bach: an Eternal Golden Braid_
%n 2R108
%s The Hitchhikers Choice of Books for Killing Time in Spaceports
%d 19940714
%a Rickard Andersson  ([e-mail])
%i Goedel
%i Escher
%i Bach
%i Spaceports
%x Top Twenty-Six Ways to Kill Time
%e
If you're going to carry around one book when hitchhiking through the
known universe (and probably in the unknown parts too), one good choice
is _Goedel, Escher, Bach: an Eternal Golden Braid_ by Douglas R. Hofstadter.
It is a great book that takes the reader through a lot of interesting
ideas and brings new light on many things.  The lifetime creations of
Goedel, Escher, and Bach are the string through the book.  And there are a
number of dialogues with the characters of Achilles, the Tortoise, and some
of their friends.  This must be a hitchhiker's first choice of book for
killing time (and small furry creatures) in spaceports.

To describe the book is not a easy task.  I will just mention some of the
things that are discussed and explained in it, and hopefully you will get
the hang of it.

          * Artificial Intelligence and philosophical ideas
          * Many pictures by M. C. Escher and the techniques behind them
          * Computer models and the Babbage Engine
          * DNA-structures and biochemistry
          * Harmony and fractals
          * Formal logic and (in)computability
          * ZEN and a lot of Koans
          * Pattern recognition and perceptions
          * Cosmic views and the continuum hypothesis
          * Description of Turing and his problem
          * Randomness and set theory
          * Cognitive science
          * And of course, musical themes by Bach and how to interpret them

All these things, and a lot more, are weaved together to a very interesting
and quite heavy book.  It's a sure bet if you want something to read again
and again.  It will make all the years waiting for a spaceship seem like a
short passage of time (and space).

This book is entitled to:

          :-)   :-)   :-)   :-)   :-)

(5 Smileys, in a scale from one to five.)
%e
*EOA*


%t Weather and Your Health
%n 2R109
%s Helpful Pointers for the Midwestern Hitchhiker
%a Ryan Tucker  ([e-mail])
%d 19940716
%i Tornados
%i Thunderstorms
%i Midwest Weather
%e
Weather is a required element in the survival of the Earth.  Without bad
weather, it would be 10 godzillion degrees at the equator, and minus 10
godzillion degrees at the poles.  That would not be desirable.  So, we
have weather.

Weather can prematurely terminate your existence as a hitchhiker, as has
happened before.  Just read a newspaper after a major thunderstorm
(described below) and count how many people are toast from lightning,
chunky salsa from tornadoes or winds, or dead fish from flash flooding.
Needless to say, you must watch out!

Here are some specific things to watch out for.


Lightning
---------
A sudden electrical discharge from cloud to ground (or an object connected
to the ground, such as an unsuspecting hitchhiker), lightning is the
biggest killer in thunderstorms.  How do you find lightning?  Look for a
bright white flash of light between the cloud and the ground which lasts
less than a second (we hope, for your sake... some have lasted for ten
seconds, totally frying the person holding the umbrella below).  What can
lightning do?  Well, it's kinda like sticking your finger in a working
light socket, only much, much worse.  What can you do to stay out of
lightning?  Despite what you might think, don't hide under trees.  If you
watch the behaviour of lightning, most strokes (the technical term for a
bolt of lightning) hit trees.  Instead, sit in an automobile or go to a
house.  If neither are available, crouch into a ball on the ground.  Don't
lie flat.  What if you get struck by lightning?  Let's hope you have near-
perfect attendance at a church.


Rain
----
You may ask what rain is.  Rain is the water that falls out of
thunderstorms.  How can that harm you?  If rain accumulates enough, it is
prone to go into low-lying areas and cause great flooding, or over-
accumulation of water.  When that happens, you don't want to be in a
low-lying area.  What can you do to protect yourself from rain?  Stay on
high ground, in an automobile or house (to protect yourself from
lightning).  And please do not allow this Guide to become wet.


Wind
----
Wind is the movement of air from high pressure to low pressure.  How can
wind cause harm?  Too much of a good thing isn't good.  You, or your
property, could get blown to smithereens.  What can you do if that happens?
If you feel the wind getting a bit heavy, good advice would be to lie in a
ditch.  Remember, though, to watch out for lightning and rain.


Tornado
-------
A tornado is kind of like wind, but it's REALLY, REALLY, _REALLY_ strong,
and instead of blowing you sideways, it sucks you up!  Some objects, such
as TOTO, a device which gathers tornado data, have been sucked up 60,000
meters and dropped 60,000 meters.  How can you tell if a tornado is near?
This needs its own section...

          A) Loud roaring sound.  Wouldn't you roar if you were sucking air?
          B) A large rotating vertical tube
          C) Sirens howling, if you are near a town
          D) If you feel yourself spinning and being lifted off the ground
             (in such case, it would be advisable to maintain a firm grip
             on your towel, and this Guide of course)

What can you do if a tornado is near?  Don't go into an automobile, unless
you happen to like being sucked in with a metal cage around you; instead,
lie flat in a ditch, as with wind.  Or, you could go into a basement,
cellar, or other subterranean structure.

That covers almost anything.  More information may be published later,
especially in the arena of waterspouts, tropical developments, and columns
of hot air associated with government buildings.

Remember: the best tool to protect your cranial containment contraption is
your towel!  DO NOT FORGET IT!
%e
*EOA*


%t Top Twenty-Six Ways to Kill Time
%n 2R110
%s Top 26 Things to do when Time is Plenty
%a Ryan Tucker  ([e-mail])
%d 19940716
%x Dealing With The Lack Of Time
%x Time
%x Elevators, Fifty Fun Things To Do In
%x Cats
%x Defecation
%x Weather and Your Health
%x Quantum Mechanics of Sandwiches in Lunchboxes
%i Time, Dealing With Excess Of
%e
Occasionally, when you are not dealing with lack of time, you are dealing
with an excess of time.  While rare, it can happen.  So, enclosed below,
are twenty-six ways to kill time.

***WARNING***  Do NOT attempt to unplug an atomic clock!  ***WARNING***

          1) Organize.  It never hurts to prepare for dealing with the
             lack of time.
          2) Work.  It never hurts to get money to spend for the next
             time time is plenty!
          3) Clean dryer lint filter.  This may be why you have soggy
             towels.
          4) Buy postal stamps.  Every time I need a stamp, I just
             thank myself for stocking up on them when I was killing time.
          5) Write a Guide article.  New field reporters accepted daily!
          6) Stock up on weather forecasts.  Instead of wasting a few hours
             looking for a weather forecast, why not stock up on them?
             They usually last for 3-5 days, if kept refrigerated.
          7) Wax your automobile, if you have one.  Preventative
             maintenance.
          8) Clean your GuideNET Terminal.  Preventative maintenance.
          9) Remove arachnid webs from dwelling.  They are known to annoy
             even the most unsanitary hitchhiker.
         10) Grease your lunchbox hinges.  Squeaky hinges ruin appetites.
         11) Clean your air conditioner filter, if you have one.
             Allergies go bye-bye.
         12) Spend a day pushing buttons in an elevator.
         13) Learn CPR.  You never know when your ticker will tick out.
         14) Learn the Heimlich Maneuver.  You never know when you'll
             bite your last bite.
         15) Learn First Aid.  You never know when you'll get a fatal
             injury.
         16) Get a GuideNET Update.  Preventative maintenance.
         17) Ride the bus.  Also good for killing money.
         18) Give blood.  H+ is in demand.
         19) Cuddle your cat.  Cats have feelings, too.
         20) Shoot your clock.  That will defiantly kill time.
         21) Empty your rain gauge.  Mine accumulated 4,000 centimeters
             one time.
         22) Watch television.  Educational programs spawn more and
             more time, though.
         23) Read a book.  You could actually LEARN something.
         24) Dip into public baths.  Look for signs that say "Swimming
             Pool".  (Note: some hitchhikers should pay special attention
             to this suggestion.)
         25) Observe vehicles traverse by.  Watch out for city lawn mowers.
         26) Organize your lint collection.  'nuff said.
%e
*EOA*


%t Mountain Home, Baxter County, Arkansas, USA, Earth
%n 2R111
%s An Ugly Area of Mostly Water
%a Ryan Tucker  ([e-mail])
%d 19940716
%x Earth
%i Bull Shoals Lake, Arkansas, USA, Earth
%i Lake Norfork, Arkansas, USA, Earth
%x Des Moines, Iowa, USA, Earth
%e
If you are looking for a bit of excitement, then Mountain Home is not for
you.

Mountain Home, population about 500 humans and 10,000 skunks, is a small
town that most people forgot to put on the world map, for reasons which
will be explained later.  Its largest attraction is Bull Shoals Lake,
which supplies hydroelectric power for much of Northern Arkansas, and fish
for the tourists which will be explained later.  Another attraction is
Lake Norfork, which is almost the same as Bull Shoals Lake, only with more
fish than Bull Shoals because we stayed at Bull Shoals.

It's third largest attraction is its horribly slow traffic signals, which
sometimes leave you time to gather straw for a bed, shower, sleep for ten
hours on the bed just built, shower again (to get the straw off), shave,
shower again (to get the shave off), and finally put on work clothes, brew
a few pots of coffee, drink a few pots of coffee, and run back home to get
the paper before the light changes.  Then you have to be one of the first
three cars in line before it changes back to red for another twelve hours.

Nightlife consists of sleeping.  Daylife consists of waving at foreigners
with both hands while carrying a cord of wood.

When there, if you decide to go there, which is not advisable, try Fred's
Fish House.  Award-winning Catfish and Hush Puppies weeded directly from
Lake Norfork.  Quite the meal... also a good hamburger for the non-fish-
eaters.

Also, try going to Midway, which is on the way to Bull Shoals Lake.  It's
a town at the junction of many roads, one of which leads to the airport.
Quite the facility... better than Des Moines International, although Baxter
County Regional is just a little "Fly to Little Rock" service.  If I wanted
to fly to Little Rock, there's where I would fly from.

Also, go to Batty's Resort... it's on Promised Land Road, a few miles out
of Midway on Hwy 5.  Just follow the hyper-reflective signs.  Be sure to
tell Bob and Bev before you move into a cabin, though.

Please note that I'm not paid by any of these places... I'm just a
disgruntled customer.

Oh, one more thing:  When passing through Midway on Hwy 5, don't stop at
the Conoco Station.  Mucho expensive!
%e
*EOA*


*
* End of file:  REAL05.NEW
*